Hi I'm new, I hope I won't be a burden... prt 4

[25yearsmlc]

When you both lived with your family, your mother behaved very badly to your wife. She judged her harshly, and you did NOT stick up for your wife.

In fact one of the many problems your marriage had was just that; your wife did not feel you had her back, and she was right.

You let your mother berate and judge your wife. ( Didn't your whole family follow your mother's lead, and begin to berate your wife or make snide remarks about her, behind her back?

You did Not stand up to your family for your wife. I know it's hard to do, but that's what real men do for their women; like the bible says

...Not to be too "Christian specific" here, or even religious, BUT to give you a meaningful cultural view that most of us western women were raised to believe about our marriages and our husbands, okay?

To most of us, Marriage means that

"a man shall leave his family, & cleave to his wife, and the two shall become one."

^^^That is our perspective on what marriage means.

You & your wife are now "THE family" that You are in. You are the "First Family" and then the "Extended" family includes your family of origin, --your mom and dad and siblings & HERS, okay?
EXAMPLE (small one) of loyalty in a marriage...

When I was first married, my h made a weird mistake and "trimmed" a tree in my parents front yard. But it was a really unusual EXPENSIVE tree they had ordered and h's tree "trimming" was like a military haircut. Way TOO SHORT and not requested by my parents! My parents were furious.

Now, I can tell YOU guys here on DB, that my husband was wrong. And I can tell YOU GUYS HERE on DB, that it's one of the oddest things h has ever done in all the years I've known him.

At the time, (privately, internally) I knew h was out of line, (and my dad was also over reacting), although for the life of me I did not know WHY h had done it.

(Years Later I came to realize that my h is a little compulsive about landscaping and can't stand "sloppy" trees. Of course that does not matter or excuse, but it explained it to ME). But sure, yes I knew h was wrong.

Still I DEFENDED HIM to my parents til I was blue in the face. I felt I had to. H appreciated it. Also, he apologized to my parents.

I'm pretty sure if I had Not backed my h up, he would not have been able to swallow his pride to apologize.

But b/c I was loyally supporting him, he was able to calm down, "take his armor off" and TALK with my dad man to man...

I just don't think you know this^^ stuff (about loyalty----\\

NOTE Loyalty is not what you give or show your wife when it's easy or when everyone expects it.
Loyalty counts most when it's the hardest to give/show. Like when your own mom says a nasty comment about the woman you chose as your wife, the woman who may someday mother YOUR children. But that is when it counts most.

Maybe you did not see loyalty or conflict resolution OR a happily married couple, when you were growing up.

Somehow you did not get all these "tips" on how to be a good husband. But you still need them.

Take the guess work OUT of this and find some good role models for what a happy couple looks like and how they behave and what a healthy self respecting man does when he disagrees with someone.
(HINT: there is no yelling and no insulting).

Iwish, What was your dad like to your mom?

IWISH, don't forget that You also judged your wife harshly, not just your family.
I'm sure that is coloring her views of things.

Remember when your w had planned a surprise beach trip for you two? She didn't want you to know about it all, b/c she was handling it on her own---

So she got all excited about planning it, (such a touching vision in my head). I recall giving her a thumbs up symbol while reading your post, at first. I thought "wow, she's really coming around & getting it! Good, they have a chance!"

Then You came here on the boards, and you were angry at her. You called her names b/c she packed some shorts for the beach,
she did not read your mind to "know" you would call her a bitch and a slut
(for packing shorts!!) Mind boggling to everyone who read it & bothered to comment. Some never came back to your thread.

Do you think You got that from your mom, who poisoned your family against your wife?

It is crucial for women to feel protected and provided for, by their husbands.

SO if We women want protection/security from our husbands, and instead of being our protector, he is one of our attackers, that is a rough betrayal to get over.

Of course your wife resents that. Any/Every woman would.
[u]

Just FYI, you really need to know this.

When a man does Not defend his wife to HIS own family, it's very dangerous for the marriage.
In my opinion, it almost always means the marriage will End in divorce, OR at least one of them will wish it had ended in divorce.

So yeah, it's a big deal. In your wife's situation, loyalty is even more important b/c of her own orphaned w/"no family for her" background.

She wanted YOU to be her family. Marrying you was her way of having, finally, her own family, someone who would always be there FOR HER, someone who would watch HER back...and her own place to live, grow, learn and maybe someday her own place to raise her own family with her husband...

I'm not trying to rub this in your face, okay? I swear.

But you failed your wife in this ^^ important matter. In this regard, you let her down quite badly.

If she has not seen very different behavior from you on this front, consistently, then maybe it's best for HER --Not to get back with you.

What do you think?