looking for ideas

[mudrox]

Yeah I am desperately trying to save my marriage. i am not sure how to communicate more the issues. my w has not said a word about what i have done wrong to make her fall out of love with me. the only information i have gotten is from her mom and what i have inferred.

we got married at 23. met in college her senior year and dated for two years before we were married

1. spiritually she has always wanted me to lead her in prayer, desire to attend church, become involved in church activities. I really have done little in the past except attend church. I know she always wanted me to lead in this area, but i never did.
we attend a contemporary church that is large, and i always felt nervous as i grew up in a small traditional church.
my family is quiet about religion although active in chruch
All her siblings and parents are very active and I was more backseat and noncommittal. Since the A I have attended church on my own, met with a marriage mentor couple and have sought out advice, and communicated with the pastor. I have done all this for myself to become a better person, but also I had done some of this b/c of w. I did complete two books the love dare and playing hurt in the past 4 months as well.we used to read books together about relationships and how to build them, but i stopped about five years ago (read more)

2. expression of feelings. when we dated i was very affectionate-holding hands, telling her i loved her, doing the little things like surprising her with dates, gifts, affection. Five years ago my family was involved in a real bad accident and i began to shut down emotionally.i did not do those little things hardly ever. I know she told her f that i changed after the accident(mom and grandma died brother and dad suffered life long injuries) this was 5 years ago. i never sought out counseling for this. w had me go to counseling with her 3 years ago for a few sessions, but we stopped going (she was dealing with depression/anxiety)-runs in her family)due to the injuries i never really analyzed how it affected me and in turn did not notice how i stopped doing the little things for her.

3. i began to chew tobacco and she caught me about 3 years ago- i have hidden it from her for almost 5 years, i did stop 4 months ago- but started up again over a month ago due to stress. w told her f that i drink too much too. while i am not perfect i honestly do not have a drinking problem. i did get drunk once and drive in the past few years- about 6 mon ago) but have not since, and everyone would attest to the fact i do not drink heavily.

4. arguments- my counselor has broken down some of my issues and believes i have ptsd symptoms-as a result of my families injuries/deaths and now the affair as well. during arguments i would throw things (not at her and but did swear at her) she was not 100 innocent as i allowed her to provoke me by slamming doors and not talking to me. the last time i saw her i swore and literally tossed a book on the bed towards her. i would repress any issues i had with her, and sometimes would just sleep on the couch if i felt she had neglected my needs.

5. money- she always works hard, but i have had a hard time getting a full time job out of college. i worked nights and crazy hours at a non profit for our whole m, until recently when i got a new job with normal hours (she does not know about this yet) I tried to become a teacher and worked really had, but it was not in the cards. therefore we are in our late 20s without a house or kids (not uncommon i know) We have not been able to go on many vacations or spend a ton of time together like we did when we were dating as a result. mostly sundays. i also helped on our family farm which took me away for quite a few weekends each spring summer and fall. she comes from a non farming family which has been a hard transition for her.

i have also been caught with porn before we were married and she has had an inkling i have kept up the habit-which is true- not everyday, but on a regular basis. i stopped after i found the a. this led me to not view her has the most important and beautiful woman she is.

i know i am at fault for many of our issues-i have forgiven myself for all my mistakes-and i realize it takes two for us to get to this point. she has not been perfect.

as she has never been a real social person ( has one close friend) she has not liked to socialize with friends. i have tried to get her out more, but its few and far between. often times i went out with her blessing by myself. when we would go out with friends she always wanted to be home early and when we spent time with my family she did not want to stay all day as she wanted to be home at a decent hour. the role was reversed for her family as we would spend all day with them-i never complained.