BOB.

[AJM]

Once you see who you are, the pain of rejection starts to recede. It's then that you realize it is not a rejection of you. It is a rejection of him. He isnt happy with who he is.

It's hard to add to what UR said. She's a smart cookie. She is absolutely spot on with this. You should re-read that post a few times until it sinks in. Seriously.

I know from my experience, I did similar. Just when I thought I was done, I got a clue-by-four upside the head. GolfMom gave it to me and I'm forever grateful. She pointed out how I was competing. I had to answer why (to me). So I dug deeper than I thought I could.

Know what? I came to realize that I had been looking to my ex in much the same way I was looking to my own mother. My mother loved me and met my needs, don't get me wrong. But she was diagnosed when I was 14 and died when I was 16 (my birthdays). My father took a ride on the wild side for about 20 years following. That left me with my grandparents mostly. I met my ex not long after that (17) and we married when I was 20.

I was expecting my ex to be like my mother. That's not inhuman - we all do that with our mate to some degree, and we become like our parents to some degree. It's how we are and how we view "normal" in most cases.

Did it drive her away? Not at all. Was it a lot of pressure? She thought so (among other thoughts). It's why it was hard to figure out why she was so violently angry and looked for reasons to leave. She didn't quietly leave. She has expressed anger as recently as this summer with me. That's many years later, but it was really not important. What is important is that I figured out my own self-worth without her in the picture.

Were her accusations true? Some had a grain of truth. Most were wild and wacky. She left the kids with me when she moved out the first time on Mother's day and took the dining room table. The kids and I ate on the floor that night Fond memories regardless of the pain I felt at the time. The pain for my kids, for my ex, for me, for our family.

Once I re-established a good sense of self (where'd it go? I was gobsmacked when the BD occurred. I felt it.) I could look back on many memories more fondly. I could and can let my ex and her husband spew without reacting.

Why? Because although I realized it wasn't about me to begin with, I needed to dig deep and figure me out without being encumbered by her in the picture. Turns out that was a long process that will continue for the rest of my life. I like that about life.

This really is his problem. Your opportunity is to see yourself without using the lens of others. Very rewarding opportunity. Very. And to echo UR, once you do that, you'll be free. Freer than you've ever been before and you'll be able to live a much better life. Not because he's gone, or because he rejected you and the life he built with you, but because you're worth it.

Dig. You'll find the gold.

AJ