And yay!!! Good on you for catching yourself and for being busy.
I was thinking of you today. I was remembering some of my journey. I remember thinking how was it that my h could wake up and decide he had stopped loving me. It was a hurt that I had never experienced. It cut to my core. It was saying to me that the person I loved and trusted most in this world no longer had use for me. I wasnt needed any longer. I wasnt loved. I wasnt worthy. I wasnt enough.
When I looked at those things over time I realized those were feelings I recognized. I had felt those feelings before...in my childhood. So for me, those memories came flooding back.
I remember that at BD, because of how badly I already felt about myself, that those feelings of unworthiness were intensified.
So I set about trying to go back to when those feelings had surfaced. Once I did that, I began my journey.
I did two things. I figured out who I wanted to be and put a plan together to be that person. Then I figured out who I had been. That's when I figured out about the mirrors. I had to look really hard at people when I interacted with them. I had to listen and believe what people said to me and about me. I had to accept that I was the only one who could determine my worth.
I am so happy you are looking within and finding you. Now I want to see you look outward and see what is reflected back. It could be anyone. It could be a small interaction..a smile even.
I can tell you what I see. I see a smart,capable, funny, witty and compassionate women who loves her children dearly.
Once you see who you are, the pain of rejection starts to recede. It's then that you realize it is not a rejection of you. It is a rejection of him. He isnt happy with who he is.
He has to look inside, unencumbered, without excuses or scapegoats in order to come out of this whole.
You are on an amazing journey. It is filled with all sorts of things and feelings and insights.
You cant fix his life. You cant hold his hand. You cant make him whole. If you tried to, this would come back tenfold.
So, yeah, the letting go stuff is freakin hard because we do what we know. Until we realize something different.
You just keep on moving forward, with the understanding there will be backslides. The hope is that they become less and less frequent and intense.
