too late?

[25yearsmlc]

On a couple of different threads I've seen Sandi talk about two books by Michelle Langley (?). I definitely thinks its worth reading but I was wondering if there is any sensible way to get my W to read them?


1) I'm not familiar with those books, so I can't comment b/c I lack experience/knowledge of their content. And, don't you? I mean, you have not read the books either, but you are ready to suggest that your wife should?

(Do you see any problem with that^^ scenario?) Read them first on your own. THEN let's chat about how to get HER to do what you have not yet done...

2) it's NOT your job to suggest what might "help HER"...help her what? Change? That is SO NOT your job or place... Not your job to fix her. Plus it implies she needs fixing, (and by you...really?) OR to help her...be happier? I'd have to read the actual books in question, to know the answer.

I CAN imagine a scenario in which she reads the books and sees a "trick" you use (i.e. a technique suggested for better communication, as one potential example) and then she decides it was Not a sincere or authentic change in you that triggered the new behavior (i.e. the "trick") but a tactic of your controlling, manipulating self.
If it's not seen as an authentic change or insight on YOUR End, just another same old same old (="control")... that is a big way to backfire in that scenario.


Anything I've can come up with is controlling (which wanting her to read them is) and is likely ti realky wind her up. At the same time I get the impression it will help.

I'm 99.9% sure I know the answer is no but thought I'd ask

Like I said, read the books first. And get real about this b/c although it's a small matter, it's telling. You are asking us the following:

"Should I try to get my spouse to read a book I HEARD was good- but have not gotten around to reading myself...?"

So, any insights into WHY you would want your wife to read it. Does it suggest a wife return to a sad marriage? --

See, On one hand, I think there must be a reason for you to want her to read it, but then I wonder How valuable it can be if you yourself have not read it yet...

So the answer at this point is NO, Because:

1) I have not read it myself, so I'm not familiar with it enough to know the "real" value of said book,

2) but I do know that a person recommending a book TO their estranged spouse, tends to negate the value of that book in the other spouse's eyes.

Another person mentioning it might get somewhere, but not the LBH.

And finally,

3) IMO, one should read a book yourself, before you suggest to Anyone that they read it.

Make sense?

Also, I HIGHLY recommend you look into the workshop called "Essential Experience" (aka "EE") which is conducted in Philadelphia. I've been to several personal growth "touchy feely" workshops and retreats.

This is, by far, the best one for individuals to break down walls they've built for years. "EE" is profound & deep, whereas a lot of workshops scratch the surface of issues and touch on solutions but don't "get you around all the bases to home plate".
In other words, at EE, you'll have enough continuity to work on your issues to get to an action plan, and follow up support is plentiful and cheap/free.

For me, one problem with weekly therapy is how fragmented it can be. You may have an insight or real breakthrough, but then you have to go get the kids or go back to work...the following week you need to start all over again to reach where you were when you had the insight IF you can recall it all, ETC.


And that's when you have a good therapist! Also, Essential Experience is "experiential" so instead of the lecture format, you will experience the exercises that will reveal to you, things about you. Reactions, responses that are genuine and unrehearsed. Speaking for myself, I have "edited" my answers to questions in the past b/c I know how they will "Sound" to a therapist or my h.

So for me, to go to EE and discover a lot about myself in one long weekend, was just amazing. Then, to have also left there on Sunday night with a workable Action Plan, is just remarkable.

Literally, a life changing workshop.

A number of DBers have attended, and say the same. (Power Of Now, Autumn Leaves, Lucky Luke, Stubborn Dyke, to name some)...

I went many years ago. When my h picked me up at the airport afterwards, he later said he could tell I had "done something miraculous..." and he said HE wanted to go as well, on his own. And he did. And he loved it. Later on we went together, as "TEAM" helpers, and boy was that bonding!

So check out their website. And Good luck.