Wife Still in MLC but has now left #5

[ericmsant2]

Matt

As far as feeling compassion, it's hard, as when I do I find it hard to do what I think is best for me. It's hard doing something that someone you are feeling compassionate towards will fight you on and already made clear that they will not want to do. Not impossible but up until now I've let my compassion get in the way of what is best for me. That's why I made a choice to try and turn off the empathy at least when dealing with the D. It doesn't mean I don't have compassion towards other things that may be going on with her.

As you mentioned hard is not impossible. I totally understand why you feel the way you do. It’s like you try and pet a dog who is wagging his tail at you, you give him a treat, he keeps wagging his tail and then as you go to pet him – he bites. I get it. What works for me was REALIZING and ACCEPTING that even though I was not “legally” divorced I actually was divorced. At least divorced emotionally. So I approached the legal divorce as a business transaction. So as long as you are not allowing the anger to drive what you do in the legal divorce process…you will be okay.

Even though I don't expect anything in return, it still shows me how far my W is from being able to have any kind of decent R even if just for our D's that she is still unable to even acknowledge something I do that she would be grateful for from anyone else. No expectations but also the lack of anything tells a story as well.

Far may be an understatement. She may NEVER be able to have a civil and decent R with you. I hope she will but no one knows expect her. Believe it or not…this is one of the biggest lessons I think we need to learn. That we, our love, our actions……can never really control another. Your W, right, wrong or indifferent can be who ever it is she wants to be. Just like you. So you can choose to be honorable, honest, fair, firm, even if she is not – cause the only person that controls you is you. Another lesson here is …is trying to figure out who you really want to be – when faced with someone who is crazy. Do you want to be the type of person that respond in the same way they do to you OR do you want to respond in a manner that is consistent with who YOU want to be. The third lesson is “accountability and ownership” – yep. YOU own HOW your respond. A lot of times we give ourselves excuses. For example – my ex may do something that really pisses me off. I COULD (but choose not to) call her up and scream and insult her because I was angry. Ya see…we can use someone else’s actions to tell ourselves that we are justified in how we respond. IMO, we own how we respond and therefore we can choose to respond differently.

I really held on to hope for as long as I could. I just don't think hope is justified, not because of my thoughts or feelings but because of my W's actions and words. Besides holding out hope leads to things like expectations. If you have no hope, you can't have any expectations either.

1) No hope IMO equals no life. Hope exist just because it does. It should not be based on anything that you see or expect.
2) I personally believe that maybe it was fear that had you holding on as long as you did. I am not sure it was hope. Then again, I am not you so I may be wrong.
3) You have looked at your W actions as an indication of who she is, which is understandable. Have you ever considered separating her actions from who she is? Do you think that SHE your W is BAD or is it her actions that really suck?

She is the kind of person who will stubbornly refuse to allow herself to change her mind once she has made it up.

Another reason for compassion. Imagine how messed up it is to go through life unable to change due to stubbornness? Kinda sad if ya ask me. Compassion FTR, does not mean that you open your wallet and hand everything over. For example…I have a lot of compassion for my ex. I do not like her actions. I try as much as possible not to speak with her. I do not want her in my life. Yet…I can still be compassionate towards her……compassion with a distance. Living this way has allow my heart to heal and not hold on to the anger.

Sure, she changed her mind about her M but now that she did, she will fight anything that may make it seem like that choice was wrong. Especially after ignoring her mother, her relatives, her friends telling her that she needed to slow down and at least give it a chance. She would lose face and that is something she will never allow to happen.

See that up there ^^^^ that is “attachment”. You have not truly detached yet. Until you do…you will remain angry. Why? Cause you keep looking at her vs looking at you and living YOUR life.

I know my W didn't try. In fact, she made herself NOT try. Not because I didn't get what I wanted at all. If she had tried at all and it still failed, I would feel differently about the whole sitch. Her first sentence on B-day was "I want a D and I have no intention of even trying to fix things between us". She refused to do MC, she refused to do any number of things that might of made a difference (this was before I knew anything about MLC so I thought that the usual things had a chance to work). She even admits that she didn't try. She has said that why bother when the problem is she just that she no longer feels the "right kind" of love for me?

Allow me to show you something…….

Can you please email me tomorrow’s winning lottery numbers for the Texas state drawing.

Okay…your probably like WTF…..

Can you tell me what your W is thinking right now?

Can you tell me what the CT Powerball winning numbers are for tomorrow?

My point.

You THINK you know what you wife is feeling and thinks. Yes yes she said this and said that. Is your wife in MLC? Well then….believe none of what they say and half of what they do. What I think is that you FEEL like she did not try as hard as you did.

Here is another lesson…… Can Matt make choices for himself? Yes. Can Mrs Matt make choices for herself? Yes. Do the two choices have to be the same? No. They can be different choices Matt. It is everyone God given right. The power of Choice.

Also, although your W said she would not try….she may feel like she already did Matt. She may feel like she did everything she could have done. So she gave up. Once again her choice.

Did it suck for you…for the kids… YEP. Does it always have to suck? NOPE.


Learning that everyone has a free will to make the choices that they feel they need to make is a HARD lesson to grasp.


Letting go with Love Matt…..is hard.


You do not have to agree with her choices.

You do not have to bend over and hand her everything.

You do not have to keep trying this or that to fix this.

You do not have to like her Matt.

You do not have to respect her or her choices Matt.

The only thing you need to do is figure out who you want Matt to be.

He could be angry, he could be a victim, he could be a martyr, he could be a LBS forever, he could be a divorcee, he could be a greedy pita OR

He could be someone that acts with integrity, with honor, could be someone that finally accepts that the only person he can control is himself. Could be a man that stands in the face of adversity and continues to live his life based on his moral and his principals while RESPECTING others – even when he himself does not agree with them. He can be happy and filled with love and compassion.


At the end of the day Matt – YOU choose to stand for your M. YOU choose to give it all you have. Now maybe it is time for you to stand up and become all that you want to be.

Then again….what do I know…these are just words on a screen….or are they?

God Bless,
Eric