Over think she would call me a bully which is difficult for me to face. I do have a passive/aggressive side which I try really hard not to let control me.
In terms of the 'horrible' I will be as specific as I can about what I think are the two major times that I've referred to.
The first was 3 years ago. After she met her ex I could not stop thinking about her other ex's and why she had chosen them (and in particular the guy she had slept with because she didn't want to think about me) at the time we still had her old bed and so everynight as I tried to sleep my brain just raced away with all these thoughts about how these other men were all better than me and that she was willing to try so much harder for them and the history of that bed. She tried to tell me not to stress but I couldn't get my head to stop. I went to see an IC and picked up on some old issues that actually seemed to be the route problem but this just opened up some really repressed issues for me. I spent about 2 months in a state where I felt absolutely worthless. I'm analytical by nature and this is a way I react to avoid dealing with emotion and so during thus 2 months I asked lots of questions about all my wife's ex's. She is not proud of how many there have been and she feels guilt really strongly. She felt I was trying to shame her which I wasn't but I was too caught up in my own �#&%. When I did realise what I was doing I was mortified and stopped as best I could (the IC helped). I talked about going to MC with my W but she didn't want to because she didn't like what she felt IC had done to me and she was afraid that I would use it as license to 'keeping having a go'. She never believed me that in my IC most of the stuff we talked about all predated me meeting my W. To feel loved I need to be touched and reassured but unsurprisingly my W did not feel she could do this as she was hurting and I had not done enough to atone.
Her dad died a couple of months later as things were really only just starting to get back to normal. For a few days I was isolated and ignored except to be told how amazing SILs new boyfriend was which are bad triggers for me and then we went to that park that had negative associations for me. All the stuff that had been bothering me a couple of months previous cane back in a flood. I knew I couldn't tryst myself to say the right thing so I just stayed quiet and played with my D. My W started having a dig about what was wrong and I just said 'nothing'. This persisted for an hour or so until something was said about ice cream and I made some really cutting remark about how my W had ignored me and my D. I can't remember exactly what I said but I know that my W family all were appalled. We basically didn't speak for the rest if the day and I definitely didn't do enough to apologise.
Over the next couple of weeks as my W grieved for her dad. I didn't know what to do to support her - I didn't know what the right things I should do. I couldn't come up with a fix so I just kind of froze. She took this as I didn't care and felt that she couldn't cry in front of me. The fact she had stopped crying in front of me made me think she had stopped crying.
From there on in I think everything has been viewed with a negative. She lost all respect for me and treated me that way because im sarcastic and petulant I responded. Overtime we tried to talk about it and she kept saying it wasn't true or that she was lonely as she had no friends or that the reason she couldn't touch me was to do with her post baby body image or that she was struggling with aspect if motherhood. I took this at face value and so tried to do more and more of the childcare to take sine if this pressure off and I would try and encourage her to make friends or get back to running. Basically I would try to fix, which wasn't what I now realise she needed.
So she got more and more closed off and resentment built on both sides. Her because I had let her down, me because I felt shut out. And thise resentnents tarnished ecerything until my W said she had had enough and we get to where we are now
That's probably enough analysis for the moment - I will answer some of the other Qs in another post.
Both mid 30s, 2 young kids BD 7sep14 XW moved on long ago, now living with OM1 D paperwork in progress
