Walk away partner after 22 years . First post

[South74]

"She had no interest in going out with me even if I tried was always busy with her friends . "

Surely it couldn't have always been like this. When did things change?

"Nope was never allowed even if I did Ask . I was told several times they were her friends and not mine ."

So you never hung out with her friends?

Nope she made it very clear they were her friends .
My D added some of her work friends on Facebook and she made them unfriend them , daughter got upset because she speaks to them when we visited my WAW place of work.

You just made me think of something and that is how long the A with OM might have been going on for . W said only a few months but I'm wondering if it had been a lot longer .

[South74]

"She had no interest in going out with me even if I tried was always busy with her friends . "

Surely it couldn't have always been like this. When did things change?

"Nope was never allowed even if I did Ask . I was told several times they were her friends and not mine ."

So you never hung out with her friends?

it's very easy to confuse people on these boards. Thankfully South, your screename is more memorable than most.

I think we feel confused b/c you, South, are acting conflicted.

A lot of what you say is as if you're mystified as to what went wrong in your m. Other remarks indicate you do know what went wrong, and it's Not just one small thing. It's several things, some of which are quite important.

The more you play the "what happened TO Me?" Card, the more stuck you will be in Learned Helplessness.

Get yourself Unstuck. Only YOU can. And go from this day forward

BECAUSE UNLESS you are processing an insight and deciding to Change a behavior of yours (that you realize is a flaw/pattern of yours),

there is no reason to wallow in the past.

When yo du study a behavioral problem, choose a solution and then go and DO that..."Execute" the solution.

Otherwise just stay in the moment (which mandates you letting go of the past slights real and imagined) and take care of TODAY

Time for action, not wallowing. Make sense?

.

I'm getting there thanks to yours an mr bonds posts .
I think I'm still confused and hurt about W leaving the kids and grabbing at straws for an answer . And blaming her and then blaming myself it's a vicious circle I'm stuck In currently .

I'm trying to finish the book DB but it's hard reading it .

Was talking to my son last night and he is not in a good place. He has had no contact with his mum appart from going over for dinner last sunday and he has had enough .
I feel like texting W about it but after her comments to daughter about thinking she would be over it all I can see she still isn't in a good place mentally .
That's all I keep saying to him is to give it time and that mum is not thinking very straight at the moment but he is adamant that if she does contact him he is going to be very rude to her , trying to put that politely.
Just hope his counselling goes well for him on Thursday .

Here's a question then if my WAW is MLC and isn't very sound mentally and saying hurtful things to the kids and not being very loving etc with them would it be best for ius all to go NC until the fog has cleared a little .
What I'm worried about is W destroying her very fragile relationship with D as she has done with S .
My family have said to just leave things as they are and see what happens but I can see a change in my daughter towards her mum again . Like my D has stopped replying to texts from her mum and not telling her how her counselling went .
D replied to me when I asked her did she let mum know how the counselling went " can't be bothered with mum at the moment"

Do I push my kids to keep making contact or do I just leave them to sort it out for themselves ?

[MrBond]

"Here's a question then if my WAW is MLC and isn't very sound mentally and saying hurtful things to the kids and not being very loving etc with them would it be best for ius all to go NC until the fog has cleared a little ."

You need to detach. PERIOD. It doesn't matter if she's in an MLC or whatever. The WAS will say the most hurtful things to the ones closest to them because that's their defense mechanism. Sometimes you need to stand up to her when she goes off. I don't mean physically, but show her that you mean business.

For example, when my W was at her worst, she would say the most hateful things that I knew weren't right. Most of those comments, I just kind of laughed off as you would to a comments made by a crazy person. But some, I stopped her before she went to far, looked her in the eye and told her that what she was saying was extremely disrespectful and that I was not going to be talked to in that way and not have the kids be treated wrongly. She knew I meant business at that point and then she would suddenly change into Mary Poppins.

Many say that the WAS acts like a teenager. Sometimes you have to treat them as such.

"What I'm worried about is W destroying her very fragile relationship with D as she has done with S . "

Unfortunately it's not your job to fix. You can't help an addict if they don't want to be helped. When you do, it just re-enforces their thoughts. Leave it alone and you won't put fuel to the fire. Be there for your son and teach him how to recognize this.

"My family have said to just leave things as they are and see what happens but I can see a change in my daughter towards her mum again . Like my D has stopped replying to texts from her mum and not telling her how her counselling went ."

Like I said, it's not your problem.

"Do I push my kids to keep making contact or do I just leave them to sort it out for themselves ?"

You be in your kids' corners. Be there for them. Support them. Love them. If they have questions, let them talk to you about it. But be strong and validate their hurt. They're just as confused as you are.

[South74]

"Here's a question then if my WAW is MLC and isn't very sound mentally and saying hurtful things to the kids and not being very loving etc with them would it be best for ius all to go NC until the fog has cleared a little ."

You need to detach. PERIOD. It doesn't matter if she's in an MLC or whatever. The WAS will say the most hurtful things to the ones closest to them because that's their defense mechanism. Sometimes you need to stand up to her when she goes off. I don't mean physically, but show her that you mean business.

For example, when my W was at her worst, she would say the most hateful things that I knew weren't right. Most of those comments, I just kind of laughed off as you would to a comments made by a crazy person. But some, I stopped her before she went to far, looked her in the eye and told her that what she was saying was extremely disrespectful and that I was not going to be talked to in that way and not have the kids be treated wrongly. She knew I meant business at that point and then she would suddenly change into Mary Poppins.

Many say that the WAS acts like a teenager. Sometimes you have to treat them as such.

"What I'm worried about is W destroying her very fragile relationship with D as she has done with S . "

Unfortunately it's not your job to fix. You can't help an addict if they don't want to be helped. When you do, it just re-enforces their thoughts. Leave it alone and you won't put fuel to the fire. Be there for your son and teach him how to recognize this.

"My family have said to just leave things as they are and see what happens but I can see a change in my daughter towards her mum again . Like my D has stopped replying to texts from her mum and not telling her how her counselling went ."

Like I said, it's not your problem.

"Do I push my kids to keep making contact or do I just leave them to sort it out for themselves ?"

You be in your kids' corners. Be there for them. Support them. Love them. If they have questions, let them talk to you about it. But be strong and validate their hurt. They're just as confused as you are.

Thanks for your input mrbond .

Just needed to hear if from someone else .

[25yearsmlc]

South,

I don't mean to seem as if I'm badgering you here. But I wrote a rather long post, imagining I was your wife. I'm hoping you can look at it again, and really imagine HER writing this and see if it might be a lot of what SHE feels/believes, even if you disagree with all of it.

I just want to see if you can empathize with HER point of view...okay? So, see if any of this rings "true", meaning if you think any of this might be what SHE believes or feels...okay?

here goes...



South, if your wife were to come here, & and post about what HER complaints with YOU were,
Tell us if this is WHAT SHE MIGHT SAY ABOUT MARRIAGE W/YOU...



"My h was controlling with money. I had to Ask/beg for anything I wanted
and IF he felt like it, HE would get it, rather than "letting" me. Very condescending and made me feel lousy every single time, but he seemed clueless.

AND This happened even though I worked full time, & never even got to have my own bank account.

He berates our son, he is constantly angry at or disappointed in him. He never has a kind word to say about or to our son...if you ask him about our son, nothing good will come out of his mouth.

and it's really bad for our son.

H also never shows ME any sign of being in love, there is no passion or romance at all, we are just 'co-parents' to our kids, or roommates, and I'm a fixture with no identity of my own b/c h decides everything.

H does not care about our home and he never helps to clean it and never wants to help with any projects -when I clean or do a project, h sits there or watches TV and doesn't even occur to him to get off his butt to help, like I'm his slave, there to do all the work, and he's there NOT doing any. Like we are lucky to have him there, but we are wrong to expect a thing of him beyond just being there.

So the house is not at all how I would like it, & it does not feel like "my home"...

And the few times H has started a project, he leaves it out half unfinished so we are all stuck looking at the mess which is worsened by his "help" b/c now there's a mess that wasn't there before...(but I'm supposed to be grateful!l)

and it does not matter what I say about it. I'm ignored and devalued so much that I don't even feel like I have a separate identity. When I got a job in the 'real world' I realized what I was missing and that not all wives are treated like i have been...
I don't matter to him much.

I want to be with someone to whom I matter & I think a guy like that does exist..."

THE END

South, any of this^^ ring as possibly how she feels? To me it sounds a lot like what she has said...

Now, I realize that your kids are having issues with your wife, mostly due to her choices. But those are NOT your problem.

And don't use the kids or their issues with your w, as a deflection from problems that are yours and or, are of your making.

I'm very familiar with this issue of WAS and kids...b/c my daughters felt that h had abandoned them as much as he did me (which is true & therefore makes total sense) -

but since h was around for our son, and NOT for our d's, they were particularly hurt even more.

He's paying the price even now (so did they). But as of today, (i.e. the present)

and after seeing a few MC's and IC's -- I have learned NOT to step in anymore.
(If there were fears of physicality, of course you would need to step in, but I'm assuming that's not the case in your situation, right? Or at least not yet!)

ALL R's ebb and flow. Some of the harm she's doing, will heal in time, some will only heal in time - with effort on her part and on theirs. None of which involves YOU.

All you can do is ameliorate the damage, by kindly pointing out the positives of the other "Side"...IF you feel so inclined, and IF it seems helpful. Either way, you are not inside their relationship & thus you cannot help anyhow, plus in your wife's eyes you are probably making it worse. That's partly b/c you never eloped before hand and now that there is an OM, she's getting ALL the blame for the family problems, though many of them DID involve you.

NOW the family problems are ALL about her ----really all b/c of OM??? Can you see why that's Not so fair in her eyes??...

South, if you can't come up with some real issues to work on, in YOU, you'll keep scratching the surface and never getting to what truly matters to your wife and what truly needs to be done in order for You to become the man you were meant to become.

There are things in YOU that YOU can and should work on. What might those be?

[25yearsmlc]

Here is a letter written by a WAW.

In the letter, (which is Not addressed to HER own h, but to another LBH around here), she explains to the LBH how she identifies with his WAW.

See if you think any of this below could have been written by Your wife. And if so, what you might DO about any of this (beyond talking some more about it).


FROM A WAW TO A LBS HUSBAND WHO HAS CHANGED, & WONDERS WHY HIS WAW HAS NOT COME HOME YET, AND OR, HOW SHE CAN BE AT ALL INTERESTED IN OM….

"When I read your interactions with your wife, I could so easily identify with your wife's feelings/words/sentiments. I have been in her position in my M. I was the ignored, the devalued, the one who was treated as less than.

One of the things that I have tried my hardest not to do, is not to engage with another man. Not just because of my marriage vows, but because I knew that when I truly engaged in any type of R with another man, it would make it that much harder to ever reconcile with my H.

Because being treated differently (better) than the way he treated me would lessen him so much in my eyes. So, I can see where your W is coming from.

When you've been mistreated to the point where you actually let go of your R enough to let another person into your heart or bed or whatever, it takes a boatload of work to get back on a page where you're recommitted to being with your S - and those uncertainties that she's expressed to you, I don't know if you truly, truly fathom how deep they run.

Six months of getting back on a page where you treat her the way that any wife should be treated does not even scratch the surface of the years, the intrinsic devaluing that occurs when you're systematically mistreated for such a stretch of time.

And I promise you that while YOU have recommitted and worked for 6 months, your W has simply been trying to get to a point where she can even buy into the changes, where she can even think that you might have changed and not scoff at the thought.

Because when you build up hope again and again and again in your H and he crushes it again and again and again, you develop a thick skin, a protective doubt, a conditioned response to even the slightest, grainiest seed of hope.

You are taught that when you hope, you will be disappointed. When you try, you will fail. You are taught that you will never be what he wants and it is hard to shake what you have come to believe is reality.

And for the changes that you've made to have come only when she walked away and OM became competition, I can definitely see how she can doubly doubt that you truly want to be in a M with her, and not just to "WIN".

Even you today say that you are not sure that you don't just want to "win".

Step 1 - figure that sh!t out ASAP. Because if you actually do manage to convince her that you really do want her and really have recommitted to her and you actually just want to WIN, you'll put her through hell."


South...see ^^^this? Couldn't your wife make a claim to some/a lot of these ^^ emotions?

[South74]

25years

That's almost like some of the conversations we had in the weeks running up to W leaving .

W would say how she never felt part of the family/household/finances and not wanted and she was unhappy .
W would also say that she never liked the house we lived in . Another of my issues always having to make decisions and choices without listening to her or the kids. That must be some kind of control issue .

And that OM made her happy he was fun and they had a good time and this made her happy again.

Thanks once again for a physiological slap to the face or 2x4 . The more I read DB the more it's all making sense .

[South74]

The things I am working on

My relationship with my son .
Talking to him , taking an interest in his hobbies , watching sport with him, getting him to help around the house with housework, controlling my anger so when he doesn't help I don't end up shouting at him, spending time with him , hugging him to show I love him and also telling him I love him , asking him about college when he gets home and also saying goodbye when he leaves . Taking him to work and picking him up if I can. These are simple things to do and in the last few weeks our relationship has really grown .

The house needing work, started a real de clutter of the house and loft . Selling what I can and doing lots of runs to the dump.
Contacting different trades to get prices for jobs that need doing. Only stumbling block is money as can't remortgage to get money as W name still on deeds etc.

Me needing work. Going to circuits with son and trying to loose weight . Going to start running with my son soon .
Keep shaving regularly , keep getting my haircut , don't wear track suit bottoms when outside of house unless doing sporting activities .
Got to find a dentist . Trying to not bite my finger nails .
Being more accommodating to the kids with regards taking them places and not being an obstacle to them having a good time .

And my biggest one is ACTUALLY DOING THINGS . I've got to stop just thinking and start doing .
So I'm going to write a list of all the things I should be going and start going them rather than having them all in my head .

South

[LoveMyW]

Keep strong South.. It seems like you are getting yourself on the right track.. Keeps working on the goals you have set, and your GAL's..

Funny enough, shaving and haircuts are 2 of my big things at the moment too.. Too many years of buzz cuts and letting the facial hair grow!!..

[South74]

Keep strong South.. It seems like you are getting yourself on the right track.. Keeps working on the goals you have set, and your GAL's..

Funny enough, shaving and haircuts are 2 of my big things at the moment too.. Too many years of buzz cuts and letting the facial hair grow!!..

I used to not shave for weeks and I can grow a decent beard in about a week lol. I think I might be half werewolf .
I think it's about not really caring for yourself .which surely has to be a good starting point.