Need help

[lostluv]

basically , last week the counselor told us we should at least TALK about a separation. she said, even if it doesn't happen, it's good to talk about important issues especially this since it may be a possible outcome. so we talked about it and at first I thought "ok, this is what we need to do for her to make up her mind" but when it came down to it, i wasn't comfortable putting my daughter through it when I don't feel it is absolutely necessary. there is no violence, addiction issues or fighting around her. as I stated earlier, I work night shifts and my wife works day shift. for the past month or so i have been making arrangements with my work to leave about 20 min early so I can be home in time for my wife to go to work and I get my daughter up and ready and then take her to day care, then i go home and sleep. this was one of my wife's original complaints (i didn't help enough and wasn't there). I now can only do it 4 days a week instead of 5, and will eventually get back to only once in a while, but through this delicate time I need to take pressure off my wife. My wife does understand that it cannot be a permanent thing but appreciates the help right now. I felt that a full seperation would just put us back to square one , but if I kept helping out every day, how would that be a seperation if my wife still saw me every day and I helped her do things every day??
we agree that we need space and we can do what we want , when we want and make plans without each other but only make sure that we have coverage for our daughter. couple nights a week my wife does what she wants, couple nights a week I do what I want and we spend time with our daughter when the other is out doing whatever. weekends will be determined as they come up and we agree to work together on that. we are planning on doing a bi-weekly "date night", but I asked us not to necessarily call it date night to eliminate expectations and just use it for us to get together, have fun and connect. on weekends, I can always sleep in a spare room so i'm not "there".....although she has never suggested I don't sleep in our bed but I KNOW that there is no intimacy. I used to give her hugs and/or quick kiss when leaving for work or coming home, i no longer do that. We do talk about our day, but we are not talking about the relationship until we are both comfortable doing so.

the counselor was confused on how we considered that helpful, but my wife feels it will giver her some more space.....maybe not as much as a full separation, but she admits that she doesn't know what she wants. So, this can serve as a starting point. She is hesitant to believe my changes are for good, but that is to be expected. the only one that isn't is my ability to leave early from work to take my daughter to daycare.

we brought up that my wife has felt like she is always on the defensive side in the counseling meetings and it definitely causes some stress on both of us. I suggested us to cut it back to bi weekly to allow more space. The counselor apologized and assured she did not intend to make my wife feel like that, but to be honest.....she has been pretty brutal on me as well but I'm in a position that I can take it right now because I know my wife is the one that is stuck in a place that she is unsure.

my wife does have issues with forgiveness (she doesn't even talk to her own mother) and the counselor has mentioned several times that at some point , if she wants to make the relationship work, she will have to learn to forgive and work on the future. My wife was asked if she is still in the same position as last visit or if the scale has tipped either way towards reconciliation or separation. she said the same, but after the counselor asked several questions, about things going on at home (my reactions, her feelings, etc.) it appears that MAYBE she is at least stabilizing and not just determined to leave. and she admitted she doesn't know if she wants to be completely done yet. where as a few weeks ago she was ready to call it quits

anyways, the counselor said if we want to try our way then we definitely should. I'm sure we will come across issues that we need to address, but that's part of figuring things out and the counselor feels maybe that will be a start for us to work together on issues and reach agreements.

we are FAR from being good and I know it is going to take time. we WILL have set backs, but I am willing to keep moving forward no matter what.

so, we do have plans this weekend that were made a while ago so we are keeping them. our week schedule will be

monday - undetermined (wife can do whatever she would like)
tuesday - I have karate class
wednesday - wife has aerobic class
thursday - i have karate class
friday - undetermined - more than likely my night "out"
Saturday - undetermined - more than likely wife's night "out"
sunday - I typically do work around the house and with some remodelling projects, I can keep busy.

if one of us wants to do something on the day that "belongs" to the other spouse, then the person that has our daughter is responsible for planning a babysitter.

I will try to keep an update going and supply any details as they arise.

One thing that I was really surprised was not even brought up in our session as a negative (the wife typically brings up any negative thing she can to put me down to show I'm not trying) , was on sunday when emotions were heightened after talking about separation, I made a comment to my wife. I'm sure I probably should have kept the thought to myself.....I said " you know, it's pretty ironic that about a year or so ago we actually would frequently joke and laugh about people taking marriage vows and say they might as well be 'to have and to hold, til death do us part...or at least until we don't want to be together anymore' because no one takes them seriously anymore"
honestly, it wasn't meant as a low blow but it was definitely taken that way and I can see now how it would have seemed to be intentionally demeaning. that is the only thing in the past couple weeks that I did to set us back. a couple months ago i was doing things every other day. baby steps. live and learn. I'm still making changes and progress, i just need to tighten my filter more.

sorry for all the repetition, and sorry if it seems to go in circles