Keeping it real

[Zues126]

Thank you 25, Bond. Question tonight is about the line between rescuing and withdrawing.

Let me explain. My DB coach told me that the codependent cycle feels like abuse to the one being 'rescued'. A rescuer swoops in to feel important, then grows impatient of the person they're rescuing, then detached, and finally criticizes and judges. The person that was rescued then feels abandoned and attacked. Not a good set up. So DB coach told me NOT to do any rescuing when my STBX starts acting needy or helpless. But she also told me that ignoring the behavior could be insensitive and rejecting. DB coach told me 'I don't think she's done with you yet' based on how emotional she continues to be in her communication. I'm trying to grow MYSELF by finding a healthier way to reply to these things.

Tonight I got an email in which she made a few comments I'm trying to figure out how to respond to:

-in case you care OM went off to the other girl and said some things I will end communication over. Not that it matters but it is what it
-So I'm the one getting screwed with money and no job and still living in a house as a housewife which I am not anymore. Great...and my lovely check engine light came on.

I feel trapped. As for OM leaving her, if I say I don't care I'm insensitive, if I say I do I'm clingy and she just reassures herself that I'm still her plan B. how I really feel is that I don't care about OM at this point, I'm taking care of myself and hope she does the same for herself. Of course I hope she isn't suffering but I'm trying to steer clear right now and play in my sandbox. Any tips on this one?

As for money, she has done nothing but criticize and complain about finances. Meanwhile I am still depositing 100% of my income in our joint account and staying with a family friend for next to nothing so as to make sure everything is smooth until the D is signed. I know she is stressed about money, but I literally don't have more to give and am already on the doormat side. Which I don't mind as it is short term and worth it to me to know I didn't use finances as a control tactic. Point is I can understand she hates being dependent on me right now but don't know that I can do anything about it.

My understanding is that the middle ground is to validate, then ask for her ideas on how she's thinking we could move forward. This way she is heard, has a voice in the outcome, but I'm not chasing or rescuing. Is this on the right track?

I wish it was as easy as 'be a good person' but I'm learning I was really meeting my own needs for importance when I thought I was being loving. As I get better on my own I'm trying to learn better boundaries and ways to show caring and concern without going into these rescue roles.

Any thoughts? Ps, I AM doing better emotionally day by day, these things aren't rocking my world, but I want to go past being ok on my own to being ok while interacting with others. That's still trickier for me. Thank you all for the time and help.