Came home from work. MIL was watching kids. Picked up the mail and found a notice from the city for an unpaid parking ticket. I was puzzled as I didn't recall getting one. Then I looked at the address of the citation.
Now I know where OM lives.
MIL walks over and looks at me staring at the paper.
"What's that? A parking ticket?" "Yeah, and I don't remember getting one, so W must have gotten it. What's funny is...the address is on ---- St. (Residential street far from our neighborhood). I'm uh....trying to figure out why she would have been parked there." MIL pauses. "Oh. Well, at least it's not to expensive." And walks away. No further conversation.
This is so crazy.
M: 33 W: 33 M: 9 T: 10 3 S's: 8, 6 and 1.5 BD: 8/3/14 Living together
Stopped at a used bookstore not even planning to look for DR (I'm a record collector) and found it for $5! An omen? Read 60 pages at the gym and I'm already way more into it.
W didn't come home to help with kids this morning. Just texted asking if I could handle it. Difference is this time I was fully expecting it so I wasn't stressed at all. Everyone got to school on time and I had a nice hour long convo with my dad.
When W texted asking if it was ok for me to handle kids, I waited 20 mins and then simply replied "the kids are at school". Later she texted "thank you for this morning". I acknowledged the text but did not affirm the thank you. I know it's minor but I don't even want to dedicate one word to validate her doing this. I'll talk to her about her day all she wants to, but no word about this.
I'm contemplating more significant 180s I can do, will post progress. One big one I keep coming back to is quitting smoking. My W and I both smoke and we've always talked about quitting together. If I did it without her it blow her mind. But it would also drive me insane!
M: 33 W: 33 M: 9 T: 10 3 S's: 8, 6 and 1.5 BD: 8/3/14 Living together
W stayed at home last night. This morning, I took the kids to school. She usually drops the baby off on her way to work, but I offered to take him so she didn't have to rush getting ready. When I got back, I made sure her leftovers were packed and ready for her. Last night, a heavy pot lid fell on her head while she was getting a pot down to cook, so I checked up on her on that and told her to let me know if she was in pain today. She gave me a warm smile and thank you on her way out the door.
One of my 180s is to do more things like this for W. I know that in the past I have withheld small helpful gestures out of resentment, and I want to reverse this where it doesn't seem super overdone or clingy. Not sure what effect it will have but it makes me feel like a better man.
Our time together in the house has been so peaceful and normal, even with so many elephants lurking around. No signs whatsoever of her planning to move out. I know I must be patient but ...man I am just waiting for her to wave this all away. Reading DR is very empowering, but the strategies it describes seem like they might never appeal to my W. I will keep doing them anyway. Be strong everyone!
M: 33 W: 33 M: 9 T: 10 3 S's: 8, 6 and 1.5 BD: 8/3/14 Living together
Before I left for work I discovered my W had left herself logged into the private messageboard again. I paused for a good while, telling myself that I didnt need to look, didnt need to wallow in negative thoughts, and needed to detach. But then I thought that if I looked at her postings about our situation it would give me more "intel" about how to properly do effective 180s.
I ended up not finding too much. She has only posted on this thread four times, and only twice in the last 3 weeks. The most recent post is still the one that I read before. An earlier post references me setting up my own bank account/asking her to leave the house, and a lot of anxiety and venting that I am trying to screw her with our money situation. She says that she might have to ask her parents for help getting a deposit on a new place (I am fairly certain that they do NOT want to do this). And that she is already feeling the stresses of trying to manage the expenses that she has on her limited income. This being a forum where she is looking for support, she somehow manages to phrase this as if I am causing her this stress, even though I insisted at the time that I would take over responsibility for paying our rent and bills. She is driving a car that I have made the last three payments on with my money. She is living in a house that I paid rent on last month and this month. I'm really at a loss.
But, in the spirit of 180, I feel that I need to clarify my role with the finances somehow, and let her know that for the time being, I am happy to do this and do not mean her any harm. I understand that my suddenly opening a new account, which led to our old shared account dwindling to just her income, was a sudden decision, but the situation we were in (shes out of the house over 50% of the time, spending god knows on god knows what, shes looking at apartments) demanded it that I take some control. I explained it very calmly at the time. I didnt say anything threatening or vindictive, just that I needed to be in control of how our family was going to continue to exist in a stable place, with a lot of costs.
She also posted something interesting about her mom telling her that her divorce with W's Dad went like this, that he was very "vindictive" and made things very hard, and a lot of "oh MEN are so hard" talk. Again, I dont feel like Im making anything hard at all, but..thats interesting. I now have a much better perspective on MILs role in this. I had assumed she was far more neutral.
Anyway, my takeaways from reading these things were almost all positive. She has only posted something there once or twice since early Sept, shes not pouring out thoughts and concrete ideas every day (like I am here). One post mentioned that she was having thoughts about how hard this is going to be, and that it might just be easier to "settle" for coming back to me. (As if our M is just so terrible and unfixable) I am reminded of an opening passage in DR that talks about how a WAS can't simply blame the LBS for the marriage being bad. Sadly that's where shes at now, but no surprise there really.
Another frustrating thing is that several people I know (some for longer than my W has) also post there, and they are commenting "this just doesnt sound like him", "he's being so crazy about this" and things like that. Thats because the situation is nothing like shes describing it! Its just stunning. She states that I asked her to move out and told her that "this isnt her house anymore". I did ask her to move out, but I would never say that. She also never mentions the very much ongoing A with OM, AT ALL, acting as if all of my actions are simply in response to her wanting an S, and mentions that friends have advised HER to be keeping a journal of who is at home handling children etc, in the event of Ls getting involved. She is the one spending several nights a week out of the house. That would be one effective journal, let me tell you. Man, the Fog is truly made of some powerful stuff.
Despite my ranting, my takeaway is positive. I know that my 180s need to continue to emphasize my strength but also my understanding and compassion. My new direction has definitely had some impact on her. She does seem to be in a different place than she was 2 months ago, though still not back.
M: 33 W: 33 M: 9 T: 10 3 S's: 8, 6 and 1.5 BD: 8/3/14 Living together
Ugh rereading that last post makes me feel like a crazy non-detacher. I prob need a 2x4. I am honestly feeling a lot on conflict over whether or not I should be seriously limiting my contact with her or keeping up my acts of love. I do not say ilu or cling, but I am still doing actions that she notices. Anyone?
M: 33 W: 33 M: 9 T: 10 3 S's: 8, 6 and 1.5 BD: 8/3/14 Living together
Nothing kills my PMA like coming home from work to find my W getting all dolled up (and looking amazing) to "go study". Having a rough day. Will be devouring the rest of DR once kids are in bed.
M: 33 W: 33 M: 9 T: 10 3 S's: 8, 6 and 1.5 BD: 8/3/14 Living together
If she takes notice of your actions, then maybe she would take BIGGER notice when you don't communicate at all? I know that sounds backwards, but that's how it's kinda working with my husband. He responds to me being there for him, asking how his day is, because I really didn't do that in our relationship.
The one day I don't communicate to him, he is instant to ask if everything is okay.
I would try it, just for a day to see what happens.
Thanks for the note Emily. I can definitely try that. I mean, I've gone plenty of days in the last month saying very little to her, either in person or over the phone. We have such opposite schedules at this point, with her leaving as soon as i get home many nights, that its unfortunately not hard
Its hard to define my 180 here, as I'm sure one of my Ws complaints about me is that I am too withdrawn sometimes. If I am feeling down (which right now, aside from the effects of the pseudo-S, I'm actually feeling pretty good compared to earlier in the year), I usually withdraw from W, as I dont want to burden her with my worries/anxieties. Also, if I am upset with W (usually about household duties, which she has completely let go of since starting her job), I might vaguely show it but I rarely say anything. So, my withdrawal has a lot of room for "misinterpretation". And a lot of times it feels like me owning the burden for something that isnt entirely mine (classic co-dependent relationship!), because I want to avoid a conflict with W.
At this point, the only real change I've been able to focus on is not doing things out of resentment, and not building up any expectations on W, just following through on things for myself. When I see an opportunity to do something thoughtful, yet reasonable, for her (bringing her gatorade at work when she was sick, taking the kids to school so she could get ready for work), I'll do it. When I see a time where I need to act as if she is not in my life, and its not totally cold/rude, I do that. Yesterday she texted me to thank me for the extra time, and for the concern for the bump on her head. If this was our normal M, that would be a shining example of love being given and love received, but while DBing I dont know how to take it. She also just texted me to ask how my day at work is going. Is this a sign of her missing me, reaching out, or am I just getting friend-zoned by the love of my life? This is so hard.
I've been thinking a lot about how I am in a pretty ideal sitch to DB. W and I are cordial, still living together, still able to talk (though only because we are avoiding any R talks, or any finance/logistics talk), and she is honestly nowhere near the financial or emotional state to move out, unless she completely shocks me with something. I sense that she is noticing my changes, and I really just need to focus on doing more of them.
On the other hand, she has things pretty much exactly how she wants them: as Sandi said above, she gets needs met from OM, me, and her friends, and doesnt have to make any hard decisions right now. Its really hard to figure out what exactly she is planning, and I have to constantly remind myself not to mindread, or that its entirely likely that she isnt planning ANYthing. This could just go on like this for a long time. I realize that that is the gift of time, though.
Once Im done DR, I am going to do all of the goal setting exercises and start to work on this more intently. Right now I am still struggling with what faults to "own" here. Aside from being a quiet, depressed, stressed person some of the time, I have been very dedicated and caring with my W. My only true fault has been avoiding conflict to the extreme detriment of the M, not standing up to her in the right moments and letting resentment guide me later on. Other than that, not making enough money in my career seems to be the major issue here, and it seems like W has simply excused herself from a stressful situation. Aside from becoming an investment banker tomorrow, I dont really know how to 180 that one.
M: 33 W: 33 M: 9 T: 10 3 S's: 8, 6 and 1.5 BD: 8/3/14 Living together
I didnt respond, but then she texted again saying that we are out of diapers. I have a gig tonight after work (I DJ a night or two per week for extra cash) so I told her I would pick some up. She replied that she could get them in the morning "but then you wouldnt get to sleep in".
Mind****. She has rarely been so intent or direct about letting me sleep in.
She then followed up with a long text updating me on the kids and their day (they had a minecraft "class" that they were VERY excited about). I thanked her for the update.
I know that my detachment is making her reach out to me. It feels so awful not returning her texts right away and engaging when this seems so genuine. It feels like this could go on for months or she could just call it off tomorrow.
M: 33 W: 33 M: 9 T: 10 3 S's: 8, 6 and 1.5 BD: 8/3/14 Living together
