So glad you are feeling a bit better. S, it is ok to feel as you do. This is enormous...this crisis. It is life altering and heart breaking. You have been punched in the gut.
You are grieving the loss of your marriage. Doesnt mean you wont have a better marriage one day. It just means that this marriage, as you knew it, is no more. That is sad.
My friend, TVS, teases me about this. I am always talking to her about the possibilities.
It is possible for you to one day have an amazing relationship with your h. It is possible for you to become who you once were and who you want to be. It is possible for you to be happier than you have ever been.
Possibilities are endless.
I think that you try to fight how you feel. I am not sure why. I think part of it is that you feel you are failing in some way. You arent. This has to play out. You have to go through the feelings. In fact the only way to do this is through it. No way around it.
You miss him. You love him. You feel badly for him. You are angry with him. All valid feelings, S.
So feel them. When you are ready, let them wash over you. Eventually, you will be able to let them go.
You are so fortunate that your son opened up to you. My son keeps everything in. For a long time, I blamed myself. (Yep, I told you, everything was my fault). It's what he saw growing up.
I will tell you that my son has said to me, "Mom, I knew that I didnt have to worry about you so I could live my life. Thank you for that."
It's ok for them to see you sad. It's a sad thing. But you also want to show them how to navigate through life's tough stuff. It's a balance.
Good for you for getting through those documents.
You are doing great, S. You really are. Keep going.
