A few months ago I was in a really stuck place in how badly I felt about specific behaviors leading up to our separation. I had already apologized for them several times to my H, but I just couldn't get past it. My previous apologies felt like pleading; I wanted to forgive myself and move on, and I knew writing it and withholding it from him would not help me do that, because I'd already written it in my journal and I just kept returning to it.
So I sent him a text that said, I know I've said this before, but I need to apologize to you this time so I can release it and move on. That was not the person I wanted to be and I do not want to be that person going forward.
I honestly did not expect it to do anything but harm to my cause. But I also knew that I had another cause of my own, that for my own well-being it needed to be said and released, because I could not live with myself thinking that I had held on to that self-righteous behavior and then continued holding on to it for self-serving purposes. I wanted to be bigger than I had been, even if the cost was extra time spent apart. And at the time, my situation felt so dire that I truly could not imagine that I could do it any more harm than I'd already done.
He did respond graciously, and I have no idea if I made things worse from then or not. But I do know that from that moment I was able to move away from my guilt and self-disgust over that behavior and move closer to healing. So for me it was worth it, regardless of the cost.
That is the background of my saying that for you, Claire, it might not be the worst thing in the world. But only if you truly don't have expectations. It sounds like that might not be the case. And if that is so, then I have to ask... haven't you already made that apology?
Here's another thought: What would the best case post-divorce relationship look like to you? What would change if you aimed for the best case post-divorce scenario instead of aiming for reconciliation? Because aiming like that would take a lot of pressure off you.
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
