too late?

[25yearsmlc]

Im vague on some of the details as my memory is very different to how my W seems to recall it. Or in the case of what I said on the day her dad died I genuinely have no idea. I know I was in a bad mood (and i know there is not an adequate excuse) and said something awful but I couldn't tell you what. I do know it wasn't anything negative about her dad though.

On one hand, I think agreeing on the present/future is far more important than agreeing about the past, I can't help but note you tend to "forget" most of the truly crappy things you did. AND Or you get very vague. Might be a defensive "block it out" tool, but it does not help your wife OR your situation, for you to do that.

On another note, the "i was in a bad mood" comment rubs me the wrong way. For one thing, it's a lot like "I was horrible to her" and "due to my feelings of inadequacy" b/c whatever follows those vague incriminations sounds so much like a slight variation of the phrase "I was a sh1t and don't want to go into detail AND SURE hope SHE will forget them too..."

But it all goes back to 2 things. Are you really different NOW and if so, HOW?


I can see where you are going and i wasnt that positive to be round.
I do however really feel I had to put a lot if effort into playing with the kids because she flat out ignored them while she browsed eBay or FB (this was a really regular occurrence). Whenever there was a choice between playing with the kids or doing a chore she would always insist on doing the chore. It means now I have a really good R with both my kids.

Glad you see the positive in this^^. Even though I wish she'd been perfect, she wasn't. And So what? No scorecards, remember?

(Besides, truth be told, if there were "real" scorecards, you would not be "winning" the contest.) So.....

Just work on YOU. Make sense?


I see the difference on the Don't vs the more positive do with the 180s.

On the GAL front I'm not doing great as everything I've done has been about reconnecting with the old rather than something new. Im going to have to think of something there.

I've not read the 5LL (that's another book winging its way from Amazon) I do know that I respond to touch and that my W likes to be put on a pedestal.

The pedestal comment might be unfair AND for sure it's vague. Jim, a general comment from me is to ask you to be more specific. When you say things like "Horrible to her..." and then move on to another topic, at least give ONE example of what you mean. I cannot tell if your perspective is warped (like maybe horrible to you is "I interrupted her" OR maybe it's "I slugged her in the face"...) But either way your vagueness concerns me.

I'm a wordsmith by trade so words are my tools. I think most of us would benefit by using more precision in our word choice. But I digress...

The 5LL's book is an easy, interesting read. And well worth reading so I'd put it near the top of the list of "Read ASAP" ---but I am assuming you read the DB book(s) already, correct?

If not, they come first, THEN I suggest to all married couples, the Five Love Languages Book.

I have to read it again once a year as well. Very easy to just "speak MY language" and forget also that my h has more than one. And I don't want to forget to accept h's love in the way HE gives it, not always how I want it "wrapped" but a loving gesture nonetheless.

My h is NOT that much of an "act of service" as I am. He's more the "Affection/touch" type. I like talking things out, H not so much.

Two sentences resolve 90% of conflict in my h's eyes, if accompanied with a back massage...

and yeah, I'm half serious.

Anyhow, after the DB book(s), I suggest 5 LL's for all. But the next book on the list --
DEPENDS on what the couple OR poster's issues are, as to what is next.

Maybe "No More Mr Nice Guy" could be, though I did not read it. So Many men told others it's "good but the title is misleading". Not sure how, but a lot of men say "read it, found it insightful - not what I expected".

Another one that may well ring true for you is "Co-Dependent No More".

I'm going to post a GAL list to you soon, but for now, this is all I have for you.

Have a good evening Jim.