Hi I'm new, I hope I won't be a burden... prt 4

[25yearsmlc]

Ok i tried encouraging her to go out and see her friends but she thinks im up to something like setting up a camera.

I had a great opportunity to go do photography for a birthday party but she had a issue with it apparantly how i wanted to go to check out other girls. How i wouldve had to check them out via the camera, how i would have had to make sure they look hot in every picture so i would have to judge them. So instead i cancelled it to keep her happy.

Did you believe that she had ANY justification for her fears? Have you EVER flirted with other women? Ever "checked" them out? Why would you wife fear that? is your wife "insanely jealous" or does she have some reason for her beliefs?

Did you cancel it to keep the peace, OR because she had a point, or both?

IF you are not the type to cheat or flirt, (at least not anymore), then

at some point you'll need to convince her of that --with action--or you'll never be able to reconcile and stay married.


And yeah mr bond i do want to change my male dominated oppinions i want to allow her to be herself.

^^ Sounds good, but that means sometimes you won't get "your" way. On the other hand, you will be in a relationship of equals and when she "lets" you get your way you'll know she's doing it b/c she loves you, not b/c she fears you.

In my heart/mind, that feels a lot better than getting my way b/c I bullied someone into that or whined enough to get my way.

To me, there's no better feeling in the whole universe, than

feeling understood & loved for being just me, just as I am.

How would it make You feel?


My plan of action is to just focus on moving myself forward, staying strong, not talking about us to her, and just enjoying the moments i have with her. Make her feel loved and understood.

HOW will you "make" her feel understood and loved?

I have some suggestions that MAY work but nothing is guaranteed and we ALL have moods. Like the moon and the sun, we all "ebb and flow".

Sometimes something will work better than it did before, or NOT as well.

But when she speaks to you, LISTEN WELL. In fact, you need to listen so well that if she asked you to repeat what she just said, you could.

In fact, I suggest you BEGIN to "re-cap" what she tells you right after, and here is why.

First, it will actually help you listen better (b/c you know you're going to repeat it to her and you don't want to miss out on an important fact!) AND b/c repeating what she just told you helps HER FEEL listened to, and reinforces whatever she said, in your memory so you will recall it better, later on.

That means when she's talking, you make FULL EYE CONTACT with her (don't stare off at another object -or woman-and don't look up as if you are rolling your eyes or look down as if you do not believe her...look at HER

LISTEN WELL (even when she's angry or sad, LISTEN FOR CLUES about what you can do to help),

OR what you may have done that caused her pain, like you are on a "mission" okay? RE-CAP what she just told you but ask her first.

"W, I want to be sure I understand exactly what you are saying. May I re-cap what I think you just said and if I missed something or misunderstood, PLEASE let me know so I get this right..." and then re-cap what she just told you.

This will help her a lot, to feel listened to and feeling as if the person IS really listening to you, definitely makes you feel more cared for and more valued.

Make sense? That is

ADVICE/Suggestion #1. Implement that and you will see improvements.

Do NOT interrupt her when she is talking. (I read that Men interrupt 6 times more often than women...)

When you re-cap what she tells you, ASK HER what she would prefer you do, "From this day forward".

In most marriage vows, at least in our culture, the words "from this day forward" are there. I think they're genius b/c it means we both must let go of the past.

And go "from this day forward". See my point?

So, if you both can do that, from now on ("From this day forward") you MIGHT be able to salvage things.

But you used the terms "betrayal" when there was NO betrayal, you kept harping about forgiving HER< but SHE is the one who needs to forgive you.

Hopefully she will learn to forgive but it'll be way way easier for her to forgive you if she sees you making changes and trying hard to earn back her trust.

ADVICE/SUGGESTION #2:

Also you used the terms "slut, bitch, whore," and a few other terms that I believe cannot ever be said to a woman, unless you are fine with losing her forever.

"Bitch" is a word that gets thrown out in fights and sometimes people forgive their spouse for using that term

"Slut/whore" and accusations of sleaze and adultery are a lot harder to understand, let alone forgive. They involve negative images AND sexual behavior, which is a very personal thing to say to a woman.

If my h said those ^^ words, geez....I cannot even go there in my mind to imagine what I'd do (thought I might ask him to get a CAT Scan of his head, if it were my h saying those words about ME...way out of character and very offensive).

So I'd eliminate those words from your vocabulary and never let them out of your mouth to her again. If you do, apologize right away.

Do NOT let those words hang around. Even when you think she is so wrong, don't disrespect her that way.

Be the gentleman. Have too much class to talk that way about her or toward any woman. Be GALLANT. It's incredibly attractive.


^^^This is a start, with a long road ahead of you. But the road isn't a horrible rough one; there will be fun and good times on this road, along with work and sacrifice.

IF you can manage to make THESE few changes , then at least we will know you are capable of it (=change). So will your wife, and we can go from there.

1Wish, if you don't change now, with this type of support, when will you?

Good luck!