Hey eric, OK, a lot here...... Yeah, I may not be totally used to it but I get that the "betrayal" thing is likely to keep happening. As far as feeling compassion, it's hard, as when I do I find it hard to do what I think is best for me. It's hard doing something that someone you are feeling compassionate towards will fight you on and already made clear that they will not want to do. Not impossible but up until now I've let my compassion get in the way of what is best for me. That's why I made a choice to try and turn off the empathy at least when dealing with the D. It doesn't mean I don't have compassion towards other things that may be going on with her.
I really have dropped the expectations. Even though I don't expect anything in return, it still shows me how far my W is from being able to have any kind of decent R even if just for our D's that she is still unable to even acknowledge something I do that she would be grateful for from anyone else. No expectations but also the lack of anything tells a story as well.
I really held on to hope for as long as I could. I just don't think hope is justified, not because of my thoughts or feelings but because of my W's actions and words. Besides holding out hope leads to things like expectations. If you have no hope, you can't have any expectations either.
The part about when her father dies was in answer to a question (I think it was Wonka, maybe job?) about her having a really hard time when he dies and if I would be able to be there for her or not. I actually agree with you that not only can't I have any positive or negative effect, it's no longer my place. If things were different and we were still (really) married, I would be there for her as a sounding board, a steady hand, etc. All the things that H/W's do for each other during times of grief and pain. I just don't think she will want that from me and even if she did, I don't think she would allow it. She is the kind of person who will stubbornly refuse to allow herself to change her mind once she has made it up. Sure, she changed her mind about her M but now that she did, she will fight anything that may make it seem like that choice was wrong. Especially after ignoring her mother, her relatives, her friends telling her that she needed to slow down and at least give it a chance. She would lose face and that is something she will never allow to happen.
Again, anything I do that may help her out I do only because it's the right thing to do and I would do for a close friend. I expect nothing in return. It just is telling that even if I don't expect anything in return, the fact is that she can't even seem to appreciate it. Shows just how bad things still are in her mind, nothing more.
I know my W didn't try. In fact, she made herself NOT try. Not because I didn't get what I wanted at all. If she had tried at all and it still failed, I would feel differently about the whole sitch. Her first sentence on B-day was "I want a D and I have no intention of even trying to fix things between us". She refused to do MC, she refused to do any number of things that might of made a difference (this was before I knew anything about MLC so I thought that the usual things had a chance to work). She even admits that she didn't try. She has said that why bother when the problem is she just that she no longer feels the "right kind" of love for me? She said she either feels it or not and she doesn't, end of story. Oh, she said she feels "love" for me but "There are many kinds of love...". Believe me, I don't need to get things "my way" or nothing. I'm sure there is always a middle ground. Our M just wasn't important to my W anymore. At least not as important as her having a chance at having a great R with her father before he dies. Again, she actually said this, not mind reading. I think that (and this is just speculation) for a long time she was feeling like she wasn't "happy". She wanted "more" of something. I couldn't "make" her happy even though I did try. She started to drift away from our M and our F and looked to her job and her "friends" for what was missing. She enjoyed being away on business and taking care of only herself (again, she told me this) and didn't "miss" me when she was gone. To her that meant she didn't "love" me because if she did she would miss me (yes, she said this). At the same time, she also knew that D wasn't something you just did. She had told herself she would never get D without trying everything she could to make the M right. So, when she made up her mind to say to me "I want a D" that was it. She had to build a wall around her and not wavier. (She often talked about that wall. Saying that what I was saying made sense but it was too late since she put up this wall between us and can't let me back in).
Yes, I still need work on detaching for sure. I'm getting there on expectations. One step at a time. Right now I really need to think about me and what I'm going to do with my life and getting a new job. Trying to stay positive! Thanks eric, you really make many great points.
