I'm not really at a place where i can take a trip without feeling like everything I see and do I'd want to share with H and D.
For some reason I am NOT in a good place today. I was fine this morning. I came home and took a 10 minute nap and woke up sad, crying, with zero hope, a bit angry, frustrated and depressed.
I am working SO hard on changing me. On being someone only a fool would leave and yet he's still gone. I know last time he and I talked about it he said something like 6+ months and that seemed like forever but I could cope with just having an approximate time line. It has been like 2 weeks since that conversation and suddenly I'm impatient.
Everything I'm reading talks about seeing things from your partner's perspective, binocular vision so to speak. I'm sure this separation isn't fun for H. Granted, he does get to place blame on me for everything which is a luxury I don't have. I wonder what it's like to leave a marriage under the guise of having been "the good one" in the marriage.
I am doing all I can right now to see this separation as GOOD. As an opportunity to make these changes with good space and time and I'm grateful that the weather is good and D is doing GREAT in school and in general and our health is good and then WHAMO! I get impatient, sad, frustrated, heavy feeling and helpless/hopeless.
I'm not used to feeling so emotional. I never used to cry and now I cry in yoga classes and at 2:30 pm on a Tuesday.
I am scared. I am scared of so many things I'm afraid of how long my list of things I'm scared of is.
I have applied for 32 jobs. That's right, 32 resumes have gone out and yet I have only heard that I am overqualified from 4 and then from ONE company who discriminated against me because i have a child and because of where I live.
I sucked it up and applied at Banana Republic. Yep. The manager has been asking me for years to work there. Nothing against mall retail but it's not my thing. It offers benefits though and that's what I'm looking for. Here I am at 37 years old having once made close to 6 figures before, heading into an interview on Friday for Banana Republic.
I'm losing hope. Who am I? Reading all these books and making all these changes in my perspective, personality, approach, outlook, way of thinking is helpful sometimes but right now I can only think of it as wishful thinking because I'm not going to get to USE any of it if HE DECIDES I'm not worth it.
I'm tempted to write him a letter. But I won't. It'd be pursuing and I'd likely resort to begging which is just not attractive.
