So ... not much to update, Last night same ol for the most part, S called W to say goodnight, then she actually asked to talk to me, nothing important, just superficial chit chat. I dropped off S this morning and she invited me in, I declined and told her I should head to work, this obviously upset her though she said nothing, but looked like it depressed her. I did TM about an hour later telling her I was sorry I ran out but have alot going on at work, just received an "ok" as a response.
So ... I am working away today, very productive ... but I am really looking at myself and what I am doing ... the push pull has flipped ... she is pushing a little and I am the one pulling back. I still want to be sure OM is out of the picture, I feel he is for the most part so I am not sure what I need ... I want a NC letter, and full transparency .. but we have not even had R talks. So I question myself .. do I need this .. or am I deep down trying to make her suffer and hurt like I have through all this. Luckily I have kept all this to myself, but that possible move and this time of year, looking back and realizing I am about a year into my separation and still in limbo I am dealing with emotions not as intense, but still the same types of emotions I was having issues with ... IC in just 4 days thankfully. I fell into the bad habit and snooped yesterday, looked at her FB page, on the bright side she changed her backdrop picture to the very spot we had our honeymoon ... and told people how beautiful and amazing it was .... she also changed her profile picture from our son to a nice picture of her, of course many "likes" and comments ... and yes .. OM "liked" it ... I still get a little irritated about that ... but nothing I can do nor did she make him press the button and I realize that. I do feel before I can put anything emotional into her I need assurance he ... and another possible fling is not in the picture and I need her to prove that to me after the past year (or 4) of total lies. I am close to telling her again, OM is off your FB, not to text/email you, I want to trust you and start working on our M but untill these things are done I can not be there any longer.
Ok ok .... this is me mind-reading some .. I know .. but its my observations and just trying to figure out where she is....She seems to be really down, her brother, being alone, she seems to be trying and reaching out a bit and I feel like I am slapping her hand and I do not want to do that ... but I also do not want to be emotionally used any longer either. I feel for the first time she is starting to realize the damage she caused but is to proud or ashamed to admit/face it. So I am hesitant to rock the boat that is already filling up with water and about to sink.
SO I get a TM a few hours ago ... asking how I was, her telling me she is having a bad day and not feeling well , I told her I was ok, and validated her not feeling well, then she tells me "There is a parent meeting tomorrow night for reconciliation" ... I felt like an idiot as I thought .. huh, we have not had any relationship talk .. nor can I see the school having a parent meeting about us getting back together ... well .. she had to explain it to me that it was for our S and talking about asking forgiveness of sins (Private Catholic School) ... lol .. that was embarrassing but I did not spill any beans.
Just a rant and my thoughts of where I am at the moment.
