Hey girl. I am sorry you are feeling stuck. It happens on this journey.
So, I see you falling into old habits. You did everything for him so if was your fault he didnt learn on his own? He has to be responsible for his actions. Maybe you could have had less control. But we do what is comfortable for us in our relationships. It wasnt done on purpose. You loved him. You did your best at the time.
Dont get ahead of yourself worrying about whether you can stand in the future or not.
If someone would have told me I would find out my h was having an affair and I would stand for a couple of years, I would have told them they were crazy. Yet that's what I did.
It's best to take this one step at a time.
I dont believe that you have to give up hope to get to detachment. It just means that you are going to live your life. It means that you are going to move forward with it. All without regard to what he is doing.
The way I saw it was this. He was going to do what he was going to do. Whether we got divorced immediately or not, I still had to live my life. So, I figured I may as well get to doing that. I still had hope, but, it was tucked away safely in my heart.
The following helped me a lot:
To "let go" does not mean to stop caring; it means I can't do it for someone else To "let go" is not to cut myself off; it's the realization I can't control another To "let go" is not to enable, but to allow learning from natural consequences To "let go" is to admit powerlessness, which means that the outcome is not in my hands To "let go" is not to try to change or blame another; it's to make the most of myself To "let go" is not to care for, but to care about To "let go" is not to fix, but to be supportive To "let go" is not to judge, but to allow another to be a human being To "let go" is not to be in the middle arranging all the outcomes, but to allow others to affect their own destiny To "let go" is not to be protective; it's to permit another to face reality To "let go" is not to deny, but to accept To "let go" is not to nag, scold or argue, but instead to search out my own shortcomings and correct them To "let go" is not to criticize and regulate anybody, but to try to become what I dream I can be To "let go" is not to adjust everything to my desires, but to take each day as it comes and cherish myself in it To "let go" is to not regret the past, but to grow and live for the future To "let go" is to fear less and love myself more
Detachment is the:
Ability to allow people, places or things the freedom to be themselves. Holding back from the need to rescue, save or fix another person from being sick, dysfunctional or irrational Giving another person the space to be himself Disengaging from an over-enmeshed or dependent relationship with people Willingness to accept that you cannot change or control a person Developing and maintaining a safe, emotional distance from someone whom you have previously given a lot of power to affect your emotional outlook on life Establishing emotional boundaries between you and those people you have become overly enmeshed or dependent with in order that all of you might be able to develop your own sense of autonomy and independence Process by which you are free to feel your own feelings when you see another person falter and fail and not be led by guilt to feel responsible for their failure or faltering Ability to maintain an emotional bond of love, concern and caring without the negative results of rescuing, enabling, fixing or controlling Placing all things in life into a healthy, rational perspective and recognizing that there is a need to back away from the uncontrollable and unchangeable realities of life. Ability to exercise emotional self-protection and prevention so as not to experience greater emotional devastation from having hung on beyond a reasonable and rational point Ability to let people you love and care for accept personal responsibility for their own actions and to practice tough love and not give in when they come to you to bail them out when their actions lead to failure or trouble for them Ability to allow people to be who they "really are" rather than who you "want them to be" Ability to avoid being hurt, abused, taken advantage of by people who in the past have been overly dependent or enmeshed with you.
