Am I Lying to Myself About This Marriage!

[25yearsmlc]

LNMW, and Sandi,

here is part of the very first post from 2008, that might address the forgotten portions and answer a lot of questions about how your wife got here.

From 2008, the First Post...


Here is my situation. My wife of 6 years finally had our divorce finalized about three month ago. She filed and was right for doing it.

In a nutshell, our marriage was great for the first three years. I was happy and she was happy – we both worked hard at getting our needs met.

When we had our first child – a daughter – I freaked out. I didn’t want the responsibility of being a father. The first three months I thought I was going to lose my mind. To make a long story short, I left the house and moved in with a guy friend of mine. For the next two years I was in and out of my wife/daughters life. In short, I neglected them and I was wrong for doing it.

I always loved my wife, but I couldn’t handle the stress of being a dad at the time. I never wanted children (so I thought) and I guess you can say our daughter was unplanned. She was right for leaving.

About six months before the divorce, she would beg and plea for me to move back in – to be a family. I was stupid, immature, and did not realized what a great family I had till it was taken away.

About two months before we got a divorce – I guess you can say I woke up. I realized that I did love my wife and daughter – that I really did what to be with my family. I asked my wife to take me back and she told me that she didn’t love me anymore. I made the mistake and begged, cried, and pleaded with her to take me back. I only drove her further away. I finally stopped doing that and decided that I was going to start loving her – to put her needs first and to not focus on my own needs – but rather her own happiness. Slowly, we started to talk, but she still went through with the divorce.

Now we’ve gotten to the point where we talk quite a bit on the phone and do things together. At first she was questioning my change – wondering what my motive was. She would say stuff like “you never did that before.”

After three months of being divorce, I can see that she is slowing starting to confide in me again – that trust is starting to be rebuilt. However, she will jokingly say stuff like “I know what you are doing” or that “there is no way we are getting back together.” That hurts.

I feel like we have made a lot of progress, but she keeps asking me if there are any strings attached with me being so nice and attentive to her needs. I tell her that I just want her to be happy and that anything I do I do with no conditions.

I want to be reconciled with my ex-wife so badly. I love her and my daughter so much. I didn’t realize the sacrifices and work that having a family takes – I was a fool for ever leaving. I feel like my ex and I have made so much progress these last three months, and yet I feel that maybe it is hopeless at times


MUCH of what is said now about "hopelessness" is repeated lately. There is a pattern. I would just reiterate what I wrote earlier in that LONG post...(which I hope you'll read carefully).

IMO, she never truly got over the previous desertion, and things were swept under the rug and not truly resolved. I don't know of any "work" you two did, or new tools either of you picked up over the years. So a lot of this is history being repeated but with different roles played.

Sort of the whole "Insanity" definition, meaning "Doing the same thing again & again but expecting different results". Sure, you say you realized how important family really is and that it takes work...

but what did YOU DO differently than before? I'm asking sincerely.