Walk away partner after 22 years . First post

[25yearsmlc]

South,

I don't mean to seem as if I'm badgering you here. But I wrote a rather long post, imagining I was your wife. I'm hoping you can look at it again, and really imagine HER writing this and see if it might be a lot of what SHE feels/believes, even if you disagree with all of it.

I just want to see if you can empathize with HER point of view...okay? So, see if any of this rings "true", meaning if you think any of this might be what SHE believes or feels...okay?

here goes...



South, if your wife were to come here, & and post about what HER complaints with YOU were,
Tell us if this is WHAT SHE MIGHT SAY ABOUT MARRIAGE W/YOU...



"My h was controlling with money. I had to Ask/beg for anything I wanted
and IF he felt like it, HE would get it, rather than "letting" me. Very condescending and made me feel lousy every single time, but he seemed clueless.

AND This happened even though I worked full time, & never even got to have my own bank account.

He berates our son, he is constantly angry at or disappointed in him. He never has a kind word to say about or to our son...if you ask him about our son, nothing good will come out of his mouth.

and it's really bad for our son.

H also never shows ME any sign of being in love, there is no passion or romance at all, we are just 'co-parents' to our kids, or roommates, and I'm a fixture with no identity of my own b/c h decides everything.

H does not care about our home and he never helps to clean it and never wants to help with any projects -when I clean or do a project, h sits there or watches TV and doesn't even occur to him to get off his butt to help, like I'm his slave, there to do all the work, and he's there NOT doing any. Like we are lucky to have him there, but we are wrong to expect a thing of him beyond just being there.

So the house is not at all how I would like it, & it does not feel like "my home"...

And the few times H has started a project, he leaves it out half unfinished so we are all stuck looking at the mess which is worsened by his "help" b/c now there's a mess that wasn't there before...(but I'm supposed to be grateful!l)

and it does not matter what I say about it. I'm ignored and devalued so much that I don't even feel like I have a separate identity. When I got a job in the 'real world' I realized what I was missing and that not all wives are treated like i have been...
I don't matter to him much.

I want to be with someone to whom I matter & I think a guy like that does exist..."

THE END

South, any of this^^ ring as possibly how she feels? To me it sounds a lot like what she has said...

Now, I realize that your kids are having issues with your wife, mostly due to her choices. But those are NOT your problem.

And don't use the kids or their issues with your w, as a deflection from problems that are yours and or, are of your making.

I'm very familiar with this issue of WAS and kids...b/c my daughters felt that h had abandoned them as much as he did me (which is true & therefore makes total sense) -

but since h was around for our son, and NOT for our d's, they were particularly hurt even more.

He's paying the price even now (so did they). But as of today, (i.e. the present)

and after seeing a few MC's and IC's -- I have learned NOT to step in anymore.
(If there were fears of physicality, of course you would need to step in, but I'm assuming that's not the case in your situation, right? Or at least not yet!)

ALL R's ebb and flow. Some of the harm she's doing, will heal in time, some will only heal in time - with effort on her part and on theirs. None of which involves YOU.

All you can do is ameliorate the damage, by kindly pointing out the positives of the other "Side"...IF you feel so inclined, and IF it seems helpful. Either way, you are not inside their relationship & thus you cannot help anyhow, plus in your wife's eyes you are probably making it worse. That's partly b/c you never eloped before hand and now that there is an OM, she's getting ALL the blame for the family problems, though many of them DID involve you.

NOW the family problems are ALL about her ----really all b/c of OM??? Can you see why that's Not so fair in her eyes??...

South, if you can't come up with some real issues to work on, in YOU, you'll keep scratching the surface and never getting to what truly matters to your wife and what truly needs to be done in order for You to become the man you were meant to become.

There are things in YOU that YOU can and should work on. What might those be?