First post-help needed-wife affair

[sandi2]

I told her i wanted our marriage and would do anything for it.

IMHO, it might be better if you will not state this in these exact words again (since you've already told her twice). It would be better to say something like, "I believe if both of us are willing to do the work we can save the M, however, I won't stand in your way if you want a divorce."

As you've mentioned, this isn't the girl you use to know. She is going through something you can't understand b/c you've not experienced it yourself. I have experienced it, and it is still hard to explain. Whereas you would tell a normal woman the things to assure her of your commitment and love, a WAW is not the "normal". My personal belief is that the LBH should do nothing that causes her to think she could do absolutely nothing to change his love or commitment to her. Why? B/c the WAW who has OM in her head needs to be distracted by her not knowing what her H is thinking, what he's feeling, and what he may do. She should be worried she's messed up and lost the best thing in the world (you).......instead of not fretting over it and feelings secure that you will be there no matter what. When you see if from that perspective, it says you deserve better than what she has given you.

I know that is reversed from what a lot of books may say or people may advise. The "psychology" of that sort of thinking may throw you for a loop, IDK. Just give it some thought. Not in any type of mean attitude or anything, but to help you detach.....and to hopefully cause her to wonder where she now stands with you. Why would she be attracted to a man who would settle for everything his W decided to do to him (like be unfaithful)? Wouldn't she be more attracted to one who held high standards of value in his marriage and wife, and to expect respect from her?

Believe it or not, I am not trying to persuade you to leave her. Just to think about what you've told her a little differently.

That night we texted a bit and she said it was great to see me and I would always have a massive impact on her. Since then I have been inconsistent in my actions.

You may get a few glimpses of the old W from time to time. Men do seem to let any physical affection really confuse them, and start reading too much into every word the WAW says. What happened above is somewhat common in the early stages. To be blunt, it doesn't mean anything like you hope it does. And just like you hopped on the band wagon to ask if she would consider another go of the M, she told you (in a nice way) she's not interested. Yes, of course you had an impact on her life! I would think anyone she M would have an impact, don't you? Doesn't mean she wants to continue in the marriage, however. So, my warning here is to stop yourself from making some grand meaning into little things she says/does. Hugs, kisses, compliments, etc., are not necessarily signs she's ready to reconcile or even changing her mind. It just means she wants to be nice......maybe even "friends". ( )

Not to sound morbid, but let me ask you something. What would you do in your life if she wasn't here? Would you make changes? Without regard to dating, etc., what would those changes be? How would live as a single guy? What were you like before the two of you started living together? Much changed? This is what I hope you'll think about. Find that guy again.

As for your interactions with her, keep it business-friendly for now. Do not initiate any contact. Do not be "available" all the time. You are busy and getting a life without her.....and you are being happy and know you will be fine. At least, that is how others see you, and you eventually will get there. No pity parties, no all night drunks, no fights, no scenes, no stalking, etc. You are growing and becoming stronger every day. That inner strength, self-confidence, firmness, and take-charge attitude in a man is very attractive to women. Men who avoid conflicts can become very passive, which is not a good thing if you are in the role of a H. You don't have to start conflict.....just don't avoid one at the cost of leading your family.

Don't give up. It may take a long time for her to work through her personal issues. But the sooner you leave her alone and act as if you are moving on with life, the sooner she will decide what it is she wants. She can't have you and the OM, and a lot of WAW'S try to hang on to both worlds. Makes for a long, terrible journey.

Sorry if this sounds negative, I'm trying to cut to the chase and just tell you like it is. Many, many marriages survive affairs! I think your W is going through something she doesn't understand herself. Be patient, loving, and kind......but from a certain distance, so to speak.