KGirl - 7 months later...

[KGirl]

^ Yes. I’ve been trying (only a little successfully so far, still a work in progress) to really think more about why this makes me upset, and what is actually within my control and affecting me. My initial reaction is to be angry because he “should” do this, or care about this, or “should” be more respectful of our agreement. Ultimately, though, those are all things that I can’t control. He is free to feel whatever he wants and determine what is important to him. What I should focus is on how/if these actions negatively affect me, and they do when my money is being spent on things that I did not agree for it to be spent on. That’s where my boundary came from - it was something that affects me, that I do have control over, that I can choose to remove myself/my investment from, rather than punishing him somehow or making it all about how he “should” do this or that out of principle.

Whenever I find myself thinking or saying “He should… or “I think he’s…” I stop myself because those are cues I need to pause and reconsider. When I start thinking about what he should do, I ask myself “is that true? can I know it’s absolutely true that he should or should not do this? Maybe there are things I should do or shouldn’t do instead. How can I know what will be best for him?” Or, when I start to think “I think he’s [insert my interpretation of whatever weird thing he’s doing]” I need to pause and realize that whenever I “think” something I can have no way it’s true. What can I objectively see that he’s doing or saying? Can I really know what it means?

I’m trying