OK, critical times and I need to make sure I get this right- I'm concerned that if I maintain 100% lack of affection, set up D mediation and keep contact as dark as I can given kids, the message she will hear is that there is no chance for the M. She has no real close friends to turn to and I'm worried lack of caring/support from me will just drive her back to OM.
This is no doubt the #1 thing that betrayed spouses -- especially betrayed HUSBANDS -- articulate here, in my experience. "Won't this just push her away more?"
Look, first of all . . . do you REALLY doubt your wife knows how you feel about her? That you still love her? Really? How many times have you articulated your position during your sitch? And if she ever DOES really, REALLY need to know, don't you think she will ask you?
You WANT to give her a feeling of "Oh crap -- I've gone too far! I'm losing Bart!!"), that's the whole idea!
Secondly, you have to come to grips with the understanding that driving your wayward spouse and their OP together is actually the 2nd best outcome you can have. Obviously, the 1st-best outcome is that she end her affair, and you two reconcile and work on your marriage together. But the WORST of the three possible outcomes is that she continue to string you along in what is essentially an open marriage, with you as her fallback "Plan B" in case things with her OM don't work out. Everything we've encouraged you to do here is to remove THAT as ANY option that in any way works for you, and continue to make changes in yourself that make her give Option 1 (end her affair, and come back to YOU) the best possible chance. But you cannot do that unless you're fully ready and willing to have Option #2 happen, at least in the short-term. Otherwise, you'll be paralyzed by fear (of losing her), she'll smell that a mile away, and she'll continue to string you along.
Trust me, #2 is NOT the worst option (#3 -- the dreaded LIMBO is!!!) Affairs often implode on their own once the mystery and intrigue have been removed, and both affair partners have to deal with each other on a daily, real-life basis.
