It actually got a little bit harder before it got easier. Those of you who have kids know that wavering feeling sometimes, when they're trying to get out of trouble, or convince you they're sick enough to stay home from school... I could totally understand Stockholm Syndrome during that phone call, even though everything he said was the COMPLETE OPPOSITE of what I knew I had experienced. My lifeboat thought was, "a good therapist wouldn't be telling me to ignore my gut," and then I pictured a portcullis coming down between him and me, and then I delivered my final line. He went completely silent for the first time in the whole conversation, and I thought, my voice must have sounded different when I said that.
Later that day I was emailing with my H about the kids' schedule for the week, and I mentioned that the IC had called and I had talked to him. He said, "I hope that wasn't too painful. Let me know if you want to talk about it."
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
You're an intelligent woman capable of making decisions about what is best for you. You also know when a situation may be harmful to you and can express that.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
I got an invoice and letter from my lawyer. The balance has fallen below an agreed-upon level and I need to replenish with the full amount again.
This is a pretty large amount of money and I'm going to need to alert my husband before I make the payment. We've been up-front and cooperative about finances through this experience and I'd like to keep that part positive.
My dilemma is that he was specific that he does not want a divorce, but IF we reconcile, I'm going to want a post-nup. Since I seriously do not want to have a relationship talk at this stage, how do I talk to him about paying an attorney money that he assumes would go towards a divorce he knows I don't want?
I want to keep my attorney on retainer while we are going through this so that I continue to feel protected in case things go scary south.
Thanks!
Last edited by Maybell; 10/01/1410:04 PM.
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
Maybe just matter of factly, not apologetic or angrily/defensively . He has rent to pay... you have a lawyer to keep on retainer. You are entitled to legal representation in this situation.
If he questions it, reach out to us for help! But maybe he won't. No mind reading... ;-)
Also... D11 was supposed to go to dinner with him again tonight and declined. She also declines to talk to him on the phone, though she will occasionally answer his texts. My MO when I tell her the plan and she kicks up a fuss I'd to defer to H, who always backs down. Should I offer to him to deal with this differently on my end, or quietly leave it for him to deal with and bring up to me? In similar circumstances a couple of months ago he said he didn't want to be pushy. My instinct is to let him bring t up, but I don't want him thinking I'm throwing him under the bus with her.
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
I'm not fully up to speed with you're thread yet so i may have missed something key, but I would say that there is a fair chance that it is being perceived differently on all sides.
When my parents divorced my brother refused to speak to my dad for about 2 years as he was so angry at him and he thought it was being disloyal to my mum. My dad had to make the effort to win him round but it also took some others, me included, to get him to give my dad the chance.
I suppose what I'm saying is that you're D might be torn about what the right thing to do is and that she needs to know that its OK to be angry at him but that you will support her whatever she wants to do about her R with her dad.
Whether or not to bring it up with your H is a different matter and might need to be led a little by what your D thinks. But I would hazard a guess that he will need at some poiny to be told that he needs to try harder if he wants a R with his D.
Both mid 30s, 2 young kids BD 7sep14 XW moved on long ago, now living with OM1 D paperwork in progress
Hi Maybell, I would let your H handle the relationship with D11, and don't intervene. If he asks you about it, you can share information with him and assure him that you're supportive of them building a relationship, but how and when they do that is up to the two of them. I know how hard it is not to intervene, especially when we see our children struggling with anger and sadness, but this is something the two of them will have to figure out. In my case, I tell my daughter that it's natural for her to have those feelings, but that she only gets one dad, and she may feel differently in the future about him and the situation. I try to validate her feelings without throwing him "under the bus" as you say. That's about all I can do. One of my H's complaints in the past is that I intervened too much in his interactions with our daughter, so I'm going totally hands-off in their relationship and how he parents when she's at his place (even when his decisions run counter to my own). I have to practice STFU and trust that my daughter will be able to manage herself regardless of the situation, since she's a teenager now. And if not, she will learn from the experience.
M: 43 H: 39 D: 14 Married 15 Together 16 BD: 6/2014 S: 8/2014 OW revealed 10/2014 Instigated dissolution 12/2014, in progress So over it!
His R with the kids is his. Let him figure this out.
3 kids BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. ) Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style D final 9-9-14 "Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
