Feeling stronger than ever

[mleigh4]

Well I have been pretty proud of myself this last week. Between H concert Thursday night, sharks game Friday night, golf and dinner out Sunday.... I have been very easy going and go with the flow! Doing really good focusing on enjoying myself and not worrying so much about him. I just can't listen anymore to his complaining how he needs this fun guy stuff to release his stress. The guy does more stuff and has more fun than I have in a month! That is mainly because I am the caretaker for our S. I did manage to get out alone with friends on Saturday for a bit. Then S and I went out with friends on Sunday. I have not questioned, have not grilled, just letting the cards fall as the May.

So tonight H says he might be going to Lake Tahoe this weekend. I instantly felt sick to my stomach. He explained its for a friend of a friends wedding party. He isn't going to wedding but was invited to hang out with the guys there over the weekend, they all got a house to hang out at. I worry so much if he is telling the truth? Is he going with someone? Why can't I stop going back to this place of total distrust and suspicion? Would he really take someone to the place where we got married? Where we first officially got together and ML 15 years ago? Our special place we went to every year? Why did I ever have to discover he lied to me, did things behind my back? Why did he have to break my trust so I feel this way every single da** time he goes out? I hate this so much.

Now I have learned to keep my mouth shut. Don't ask stupid questions like "are you sure you aren't really taking a girl?" Like he would really tell me the truth! I have learned, and I took a deep breath and said " that sounds like fun! I don't have plans so I can take care of S". I can't believe how together I am. In all reality, there is nothing I can do. If he chooses to lie, it will eventually all come out. Or, we will finally reach a point where I can feel more trusting and not put myself through this.

Either way, I am really proud of how far I have come. The old me would have flipped out. The new me truly believes in the importance of guy/girl time away. In fact, I have a girl weekend planned myself in a few weeks! So, I pretty much saw this coming. Plus, after a year of snooping and never coming up with any proof of OW, My logical self says don't react on suspicion, only facts that I know. It wouldn't be fair otherwise.

So sorry for the rambling but sometimes I feel like he does these things just to try to test me? I know it sounds paranoid. But sometimes I feel like he almost makes things look bad, total passive aggressive behavior which he very much is. I don't know. I just feel like sometimes I feel like it's almost TOO obvious to be an affair. Does that make sense? He knows that is a huge fear of mine and I have asked him a hundred times. So I know! I will stay out extra late tonight, sleep on someone's couch, go away for the weekend just to punish her! Just thoughts that go through my mind. What happened to my 42 year old mellow H who never really did much of anything??

It feels good to not react even though I feel all jumbled inside. My whole being tells me, let it be in Gods hands. Let it happen, stay out of the way and let go. It feels so right.

Oh, and H must have been happy with my non reaction because he said if he doesn't go to Tahoe, he wants to take me and S to some tarantula fest thing. Lol! I despise spiders but ok! Ya right, I won't hold my breath.