I would tell posters..but, I love him..you want me to just abandon him?
THAT'S EXACTLY HOW IT FEELS!!!
So, I fall into the trap of thinking what kind of wife would abandon her H after he clearly has illness, suicide attempt....and I tell myself he needs me. And this is so wrong, but my habit was to hold his hand through everything and be at his side no matter what. And I thought, and acted as though, without me, he can't do it.
And now...it's all reversed. WITH me he can't do it.
I didn't cause his MLC, but I didn't allow him to learn things his way. I had the answers. I researched everything, so I always knew (in my mind). I knew the directions. I knew about the people we would meet, and what they like to talk about. Why didn't I let him learn these things for himself? I honestly thought I was helping like a good assistant....but I was denying him the opportunity to learn on his own.
We were so dependent on each other, in different ways. And I loved that. I thought we complimented each other perfectly. But now it's gone. And that dependency didn't serve me well. It now has me lost.
I like being trusting and optimistic. But it isn't balanced at times. I would rather assume all is ok, which is good, until it's to the point of denying or fooling myself when something does need to be addressed.
I really have to get myself busy. I have to get him out of my head. Yep. I didn't ask for this. But I am here. And you're right. It's time to start my journey.
