afraid I have waited too long #4

[nit84]

Wonka,

I like how you say Quiet power, I never thought about it that way. Firm but not aggressive. Thank you!!

Sandi,

Thank you very much for taking so much of your time to help me gain an understanding of DBing, I really want to do it correctly. You are exactly right when you say I have things mixed up. I have allowed myself to be a doormat. I thought it was the correct way to do things(wrong) because of the comments that my W has made all along. I'm controlling, co dependent, smothering etc. I went to the complete opposite end of the spectrum thinking it was a 180(bonehead move).

I also thought that keeping the road home paved means no arguing, fighting etc and picking your battles.

I realize those things like transparency are not to be used now or until there is movement(a lot) towards softening of W heart towards me. I explained myself wrong there. Explaining what I mean is a problem for me. I am very detailed oriented but sometimes talk so much I confuse the people trying to assist me(including my W at prior points).

I used to jump to a lot of conclusions earlier in my M. I would get upset, not necessarily angry but just disturbed, over stupid things. My W has made comments pertaining to this as far back as 4 or 5 years ago. She said she was afraid to tell me things because she knew what my reaction would be. I, of course, became defensive and dismissed it. It wasn't until the S that I stepped back and took a look in the mirror and realized that my W had some valid reasons to be afraid to do or say something. not because of fear of physicality but because I wasn't open minded or patient enough to see her side of things. This wasn't an all the time thing but it was enough of the time to land me on this board.


The question I was trying to ask was. Isn't part of DBing worrying about what you can control about yourself and not worrying about the WAS thinks or how they react to certain actions you take for yourself?

Your list above is quite extensive. Thank you. I will try to address each one like this:

1. I do see myself like this with a lot of people just not my WAW enough because I am confused when to be assertive and when to back off for my benefit.

2.I have an attitude but I need to show it without sarcasm or judgement.

3.Easier said than done but trying as hard as I can. Most days are fine just have a bad one every so often when I sense W is upset about something(not me all the time).

4.Stopped waiting for W to change but I am observing what my W is doing or how she is acting based on advice from IMC.

5.Haven't told her that in 3 months and that was 1st time since I moved back home last Dec and W has commented on that being the case on one or two occasions.

6.I don't need W or M but I want W and M. Is this the same thing?

7.Could I have an example of a gimmick that I may be doing? Maybe I don't understand.

8. Have been doing GAL without regard to W. Only thing I won't do is date. Allowing myself to change my mind on this if I want but for now I have no desire to "test the waters".

9.I am kind and respectful TOO kind and respectful. I need to grow a pair again. This is a work in progress I have them I just got to show them a bit more often in the correct way at the correct time.

10.Hopefully, I will be doing just that in a very short time (thanks to you and others with such great advice and thoughts).

11.I thought I had personal boundaries way before this all started but now that I am in the Midst of this hell my ability to find forgiveness for myself first, and then my W and others has allowed me to become somewhat more tolerant( I suspect some will say this is to my detriment on some levels).

Thank you so much for your help.

My W moved out 2 days ago. I knew it was coming. Hopefully I handled it in the best way possible.

It has been a long couple days. I will share the details tomorrow.

In the mean time any other advice is welcomed.