Having a tough time and few steps backwards in the self-work stuff. I'm just really feeling so down and I can't shake it.
I can't get out of my own way. I'm struggling with detaching. It's because I don't want to. And I half-try, then half hope, then I fall back. I know I have got to get this or I'll spiral down deeper. I just have to get this. I'm questioning my own sanity so often. I go from such extreme hopefulness, to the opposite extreme hopelessness within a day.
Maybe I need to pretend we are already D. I'm still in denial that he's this sick. Why isn't it sinking in? Why can't I let him go? It's so obvious at times..... then it isn't .....and I have hope.
I'm going through motions trying to live and doing what I think I'm supposed to. But the sadness, loneliness....it's not fading lately. I know I need to GAL. I'm just not ready. But it's starting to hurt me to be this stuck in sadness.
I'm also starting to panic about my S18s leaving. I don't know what I'm going to do without them. I have no support here. It's going to get lonelier.
So, my meltdown....I tried to not stay inside yesterday, so I went to this family golf place up the street, where my S18 worked. I thought it would do me some good to be around friendly people watching football. I was doing ok, until I was approached by 2 men, who sat and talked with me for a while. I was enjoying the conversation, but I learned quickly that one of them had more than friendly ideas. I declined, of course. Then I literally ran to my car like a freak and started bawling. Oh, then of course they saw me, too...I was pathetic.
I am upset that when I thought I was just being friendly, that I was obviously giving off an impression that I was interested in more. I dissected the conversation to figure out when it changed and why. I still don't know. Now I'm questioning my entire set of social skills. I used to feel so safe as part of a couple. Now I feel vulnerable and unprotected. I used to walk confidently into a room without blinking. Now....I'm skittish and paranoid? Wtf.
Then I got angry at the fact that I'm alone, and angry at H for leaving me this way. Then a whole bunch more anger poured out. I'm also upset because it no longer feels right to wear my ring, and had I been wearing it, that wouldn't have happened. And I blamed H. That somehow my fears are his fault. That was not fair at all. I sure was mad.
So, I texted him that I was scared and I didn't feel safe anywhere anymore. And then I sent some kind of how-could-you type of thing....ugh. Then he said I'm crazy. And I said it's not crazy, it's sadness. It's an emotion. You should try it. ....whoa, boy. I never used to talk to him like that in the past. I've never hurt like this before, either.
I don't have friends here. I tried to get out alone. I'm not doing that anymore. Maybe this year through my S16 and D13 school activities or church, I'll meet some new friends.
