Ss I completely agree that having fantasies or false expectations wouldn't be useful. I guess I was thinking more along the lines of positive vs negative thoughts. For example, when my H sends a friendly text message my first thoughts are negative. And if my thoughts are negative that is going to come through in my communication and behavior. Maybe this is not a bad thing since he deserves to be frozen out. But then again it depends on my goal.
Since I don't know my end goal it is probably wise not to burn bridges.
I have been reading about pursuer distancer dynamics. It turns out I definitely still have some reading to do that can help me. I fit many aspects of the pursuer profile, while my WAH is a distancer in many ways. For example:
Me: primarily people and feeling oriented, gives up individuality for the sake of the relationship, overly impatient, cannot delay dealing with problems, lacks restraint, impulsive, sex seen as a sign of caring for and by partner Him: avoidance, believes ignoring a problem will cause it to go away, seeks peace, avoids emotional crisis, avoids facing relationship problems, protected, closed, primarily object and logic oriented, overemphasis on thinking and logic, fears emotionality
When we were in a happy place this was not as evident in large part because he is extremely clingy. Not needy, but clingy. He doesn't need a lot of assurance but he does need to be together all the time. It is difficult to be a distancer and be close, right? But he was often emotionally distant which I took as part of his introvert personality. I took the fact that he always wanted to be around me as evidence that he really loved me. But maybe there were other things going on below the surface with the p-d dynamic.
Reading a bit about this dynamic made me realize it might be useful in the situation we now find ourselves in. When I pull away as I mostly have been lately, he seems to reach out. But if I respond too warmly he backs off again. On the other hand he also stays away if I respond too coldly. Anyone else working on repairing this dynamic, reading The Solo Partner, etc?
Reading into the pursuer distancer dynamic brought me to some info about MLC. My H is 30 so hardly midlife. However, I believe he is having a crisis. His career and lifestyle recently changed quite dramatically and I believe that precipitated a lot of what is going on now. He fits almost all of the features of someone in MLC, other than his age... -Preoccupation or fear of aging or death (don't think so) -Vanity: Obsession with appearance (yes) -Dissatisfaction with previous goals (yes) -Life of Accommodation has left him feeling trapped (not sure) -Impulsive Behavior (yes) -Irritability (yes) -Restlessness (not sure) -Substance abuse (yes it seems like he is drinking MUCH more, possibly some recreational drugs too)
Again, I don't think he is having a MLC, but I think some of the ways of dealing with it can be useful in my situation. Anyone else have experience with a WAS who is not midlife but going through an identity crisis?
Just thinking out loud here... wondering what to do differently in my situation, if anything.
I also read through some other's old threads and it is always enlightening to see the twists and turns and ups and downs that we all have in common. I'm not sure if the similar stories give me hope or make me feel like I'm just another person waiting in line for the awful rollercoaster.
