So ... hope everyone had a good weekend .... just thought I would pop on and journal a bit.
So ... dealing with the emotions, realizing it was a natural thing to cycle through them, I basically just accepted them for what they were. And knowing how I am .. I thought it best to detach, go dark a bit .. just as to not backslide. Things were very quiet Saturday, I went into work and pretty much just lost myself in it. I planned on going to church but ended up just trying to get caught up for the huge audit I have later this week. So I finish up and head to the grocery store, Halloween stuff everywhere, and I realize alot of the emotions I have been feeling are from last year, going through those holidays .... and possibly faced with a repeat this year ... well .. I was just a touch depressed about it .... but then I realized, its not the same, I am better off now than I was, and even where I am with the WAW is better, so I forced myself into a PMA and even flirted with a 89 year old lady at the butcher Dept....lol
So I get home, eating outside alone, peaceful ... and the W TM me inviting me over to watch a movie. My first impulse was to decline. I had not heard from her all day ... I told her I just got home and was eating, still needed to shower. She was upbeat and positive and extended the invite a couple times (Sometimes I SWEAR she DB's ME!!...lol) so I told her I would be over later. I get there a little late, and we agree on a movie, at first sitting on opposite ends of the couch, then she gets up to get water and bathroom, I pause the movie she comes back with a pillow and lays on my lap .... and as predicted falls asleep about 40 minutes in. I actually was happy, she always fell asleep and would wake up toward the end asking what happened .. used to drive me nuts but its funny how those little things that used to irritate you are the things you really miss. About 9 I pause the movie and tried to get up without waking her ... to put my S in bed as he was fading out aswell. She woke up and went to take her contacts out as I put S down, she stayed just outside his room as we were praying, I could see her watching us I tucked him in and she came in to kiss him goodnight. I was just going to go home but she wanted to finish the movie. Wow .. just her and I ... so I catch her up on the plot and we finish the movie, and I thanked her for the invite and went home.
Sunday I woke up and again went into work, worked a bit and decided no more, I TM W and told her I could come by and pick up S, she said they were in the middle of something so I told her just let me know and I would come pick him up. A few hours later she TM as said they were on their way, then asked me if I would like lunch, I said that sounded good .... (if anything saves me from driving all the way to get S, so I ask where ... she replied anywhere and she was starving ... so I suggested a couple places and we met up. I was quiet at lunch .. I was not grumpy or upset .. just quiet, of course she calls me on it .. I assure her I am fine (Faked a bit of PMA) .. and I pay for lunch, S and I walk her to her car. She asks what we are going to do, I told her we were going home, watch the game then take the dog for a walk after. I told her she could join us, then asked what she was going to do .... and as soon as I asked I realized how many times she would lie to me, she looked me in the eyes, then looked down and said she wasn't doing anything, just going to the bookstore. So I open her cardoor and tell her to enjoy her night ... she was a little down, ok ok ... mind reading here a little .. but its just my observations.... I think being alone is getting to her some ... explained why she kept S so long Sunday when she typically could not wait to drop him off with me so she could get out and do her thing.
So S and I as planned .. watched our Chargers win, grabbed the dog, walked around our old spot ... and headed back home, W TM asking if we were walking and I told her we just finished ... she replied that she would go to the gym then, I told her to enjoy her workout. S called her later on to say goodnight, and that was that .. I put him to bed and decided to watch a movie. W TM telling me she was watching a movie that was really funny .. was one of my favs ... I told her to enjoy the movie and siad good night. She TM at 2 in the morning that she couldnt sleep, apologized for waking me.
So ... I have kept emotionally detached a bit from her this past week, partly because I think I need to to DB better, partly out of self preservation. And like I have said in prior posts.... her and I have been connected for 24 years, MLC tunnel or not .. she has stupid spidey senses on this. So this morning I drop off S, I say good bye to him, she comes out from the kitchen, looking beautiful in a nice blue dress. She asks how I am I told her I was good, and asked the same she told me she didnt sleep well, came in for a hug, I half hugged her (I think you all know the hug) .... she asked me what was on my mind, I told her I did not want to get into it all .. but that I was fine and I have alot going on at work, she commented that I looked good and she loved the shirt I had on .. I told her she looked great and she told me she was old and ugly .. I told her I didnt think so... I turned to leave and she swooped in and gave me a really big firm hug and said "I miss you" ... I was not expecting this ... there was a pause and I told her I missed her too ... she kissed my shoulder, I told her to have a good day and left.
The I miss you is new ... I have felt for about a month now that the OM is out of the picture ... however I am not sure if there are TM or exchanges between the two and I thankfully am at a point it doesn't bother me, however if we are going to talk about R I still feel like I need to be firm about the NC and transparency boundary but I know there will be backlash on that. Maybe the I miss you was nothing more than a temp check, I hate that she knows I am hanging around waiting on her ... and I hate that she knows when that rope is getting heavy and she tosses this out and it makes me hang on a bit more. But ... this is progress, if I really want my M, then this is a good step in that direction, I am not reacting to it ... but it did feel nice to hear those words from her. I guess we wait and see what this week brings.
