Last night H texted me out of the blue which is very rare.
H: Hey, I just wanted to let you know that I had a very long convo with D about separation/divorce. She brought it up.
Me: She's been bringing it up lately with me a lot, too.
H: Yeah, I figured. I explained that I understand how difficult it must be, but it involves very adult things that she wouldn't understand at the moment.
Her primary concern seems to be about the separate living spaces. I gave her many examples of parents living in separate places, sometimes entire states (like your dad and my dad, etc) Anyway, I figured I should keep you informed of it.
Me: Thank you. I'm thinking that our situation isn't job related like your dad adn my dad and she should know that we're not separated because of work. Wdyt?
H: Sure. I'm indifferent. The end result is the same. We also discussed divorced/remarried parents at her school. Please don't take "I'm indifferent" out of context. I simply don't think it's a particularly important detail.
M: I sort of do.
H: Ok. No problem.
M: I feel it's a distinction our smart child could probably make on her own and don't want to give her the impression that it's perfectly normal for parents to live in separate homes, just like your dad and my dad did for work, you know?
H: Ok. I understand. You and I disagree about this but there really isn't anything I can do about it.
At the risk of being combative, I don't think it's in our daughter's best interest to actively try to make her feel 'different' or alienated from others.
I feel like the healthy alternative is to be transparent regarding how common it is for parents to not live in the same place all the time, regardless of reasons (even though separation and divorce are extremely common). But again, I need to articulate that I'm not making a demand of any kind. Simply reaffirming what I believe to be healthy.
Me: I definitely see where you are coming from. I appreciate you explaining it to me so thoroughly and calmly. I'm pretty sure I agree with you but I need to think it over a little. Is that ok?
H: Of course. Thank you for acknowledging my position and treating it as valid.
---two hours later---
Me: It is valid and valuable. I truly appreciate you explaining it to me and giving me the space to let it sink in and permeate. That time has allowed me to see that making the distinction of WHY adults live separately isn't crucial right now, so I think you're right.
I hope, with time and practice, it won't take me so long to think things like that over but I appreciate you giving me whatever space I needed to do that.
----- end convo----
And then I cried because it was HARD. I wanted to argue and make him NOT belittle our separation by calling it "common" to our D. He is calling it "common" and I immediately assume that means "good" or "fine". I had to turn off my mind reading that told me he WANTS what's common (separation and divorce). I had to remind myself that this isn't about ME, this is about a conversation with our wise-beyond-her-years D. It hurt but I took time away, thought about my goal, rephrased and rephrased again. Chose to validate, affirm, appreciate and protect.
Will convos like that always be that hard? How do you think I did?
I'm still feeling the hurt from the convo hours later. All of this connection to my own feelings has made me MUCH more sensitive than I used to be. I like feeling connected to my feelings instead of feeling like a robot but then I hurt more. OUCH.
