To DB or not to DB, is it really a question?

[Shakspr]

I am reading Putting Children First very intently, focusing on the 9-12 year old and reading all the before, during and after stuff. I read quickly, but I need to read it all, then go back and practice.



I am sure my list of what not to say will be much longer than my list of what TO say. But it already includes:

No blame. NO BLAME. This drives a wedge, makes the children at this age take sides.

This is a "decision". Mom isn't leaving Dad, we have decided that it will be best to end the marriage.

As this will come as a surprise to them, let them know we have been working on things without trying to scare/hurt them, but this is what is happening.

Our love for them (and my love for my SS15!) will never end. Parent-child relationships are different and inseparable. Mom and Dad are working together. Lots of time both places. We will be living close together.

All emotions are Ok. We will listen to anything, or respect their desire for silence and time. Behaviors need to remain in check. (still working on the wording here.)

They can choose what to take with them to the new apartment with Mom or what stays here. No one is throwing away their things, and we will keep everything as normal as possible.

Special focus on D8 and S11 - they are still children. No need to take on more adult roles. We are still responsible for them and if something isn't right, let us know. We are listening.

SS15 - I still need to do some reading, as he is already the quiet sort. I suspect he will withdraw, then explode. He will act out, and since he is already passive-aggressive about school stuff and so forth, he will be a challenge.

That's all I have so far. Still doing the work. Plan on giving each of them a copy of the Mom's House/Dad's house book for children, as they are all excellent readers and like to process information that way as well.

Oh, and looking for a Divorce Care for Kids class in our area.