Not much new to report. My Dad is settling into the psychiatric unit ok, or I guess as well as can be expected. He will likely be there quite a while. Good golly, is this really happening?
Anyway, H has been traveling this week. We text chat every day. We have an appointment with a MC on Oct 9. I'd say things are basically holding steady with us right now.
Had a great appointment with my IC the other day. Talked about how I've had symptoms of mild depression for really a couple of years. She thinks it's very situation. As you can probably tell from my posts I tend to get overwhelmed easily. After kid #2, working full time and then upgrading to a big house (which I love but is a ton of work), I really started getting overwhelmed with daily life. When I'm overwhelmed I tend to shut down and basically do nothing. So, my mission now is to take charge and get organized. There's a lot of clutter and such around the house that brings me down. I'm taking it day by day and tackling the chaos. IC thinks if I can get things a bit more in order at home it will help improve my mood a great deal. Just from a bit of organizing today I can feel a definite mood boost (cleaned out my spice rack --- threw out nearly all of it, years expired!).
So that's the lastest from me. Hope everyone is well..
M: 42 H: 43 M: 8 years S7 and D4 H has D19 and S25 from previous M Bomb: 3/6/14 OW discovered, EA & PA 1st separation, 10 days, decided to reconcile & moved back in. Fail 2nd separation: 5/1/14
Glad to see you here again! It's encouraging to see that you're getting Dad settled in and get stuff squared away at the facility. Not easy at all.
As for feeling overwhelmed, I can see why it can happen at times. Remember to tackle chores/tasks/rooms in small bites. Before you know it, that stuff will be gone or reduced. I've been amazed at how I accomplish things when I set aside, say, 2 hours on a particular space.
Then I treat myself with some awesome ice cream as my personal reward!
Visited Dad today. He was literally so drugged up he was practically catatonic. Sux. I stayed for nearly 2 hours and he barely opened his eyes the whole time. I was able to feed him though, he always eats, lol!
Leaving the hospital I started to get annoyed with H. I felt like on top of everything he has abandoned me during this horrible time with my Dad. I came home grumpy. H had the kids and took them longer than I expected which made me grumpier. I really wanted to unleash on him when he finally got to the house. But I am happy to say I didn't. H could tell I was upset. He hung around for a bit and played with the kids while I gathered myself. He eventually asked me about my Dad and we chatted about things a bit. He continued to hang around for a while, it was kind of like a 'normal' Saturday afternoon. When he left he gave me a long hug.
I'm so glad I held back and did not go off on him. He is trying. Yes, in a lot of ways he abandoned me, certainly during the A, and in some ways I feel it even now while we're separated. But obviously I'm just going to push him away if I keep attacking him.
I'm coming to realize that for some reason I have this horrible habit of blaming everything on H. I mean it's certainly not his fault that Dad is so ill. And he's doing the best he can to support me given the circumstance. Why do I need to make myself feel even WORSE by ruminating about H and how much the A and separation suck??
I'm so glad I pulled myself together this time and did not let things spiral. One thing that definitely helped is my mission to get the house organized. Basically I'm following a plan I found in a book where you tackle various neglected chores around the house each day. So I laid down, cried and ruminated a bit and then, since I'm so obsessed with all these chores to organize the house, I got up and started organizing the pantry. It really got my mind off of things and got me mentally into such a better space. Gosh I love these simple tricks to get that PMA going!
Phew, this post ended up being longer than I expected. I always want to document when I have a little success so I can refer back and see what works!
M: 42 H: 43 M: 8 years S7 and D4 H has D19 and S25 from previous M Bomb: 3/6/14 OW discovered, EA & PA 1st separation, 10 days, decided to reconcile & moved back in. Fail 2nd separation: 5/1/14
So I just found out today that H still has feelings for OW. I guess I had hoped that her moving closer had the opposite effect, that it would have killed the fantasy. But apparently not. He refuses to change jobs.
What now?
I know that's realistically a rhetorical question because I need to answer for myself what my 'bottom line' is. I think this is it for me. I don't see how I can ever feel comfortable with him working with her. It would be one thing if it had blown up his feelings but since that's not the case, I think I'm done. I'm still hesitating to file, though. Because I know H won't back down. I have to be really, really prepared for this being it. While we have made some progress reconnecting (again), things have definitely changed since OW moved to his office. He does not see it as an issue. I guess he's entitled to his opinion.
I am sick to my stomach.
Any observations, words of wisdom and/or encouragement much appreciated. I just don't think H is truly willing to do the work to fix things (despite him telling me many, many times he is, whenever it comes down to brass tacks he just won't. Honestly, this is how H is. I've always had this nagging sense that he's not as committed to our M as he ought to be).
I think I could use some prayers. Thanks.
M: 42 H: 43 M: 8 years S7 and D4 H has D19 and S25 from previous M Bomb: 3/6/14 OW discovered, EA & PA 1st separation, 10 days, decided to reconcile & moved back in. Fail 2nd separation: 5/1/14
So I just found out today that H still has feelings for OW.
From him? A third party? How did this come about?
Me: 31, W: 29 T: 4 M: 2 Kids: 3 (SS: 7, SD: 4, D: 3) Separated, still living together: Nov 2013 Separate bedrooms: Feb 2014 W working away; kids with me: Nov 2014
Are you tying "refusing to change jobs" to "feelings for OW"? What happened to you backing off to take care of yourself?
I can see your separation dates in your signature, but I can't remember when your H split from OW? But your whole separation has been only four months, and even in that four months the two of you have been back and forth, warmer/cooler. And I can't remember how long that relationship lasted, either. but if it was longer than a few weeks he's going to have lingering feelings for her. It's unpleasant but it's true. What matters really is what he does with those lingering feelings. For better or worse, she's a part of his story too, and he's not going to process it the way we all wish he would. He's going to process it in the way that feels true for him. The question for you is, can you stand it?
You've boomeranged to "I need to be ready to file" as many times as I have. What prompted this one?
You DON'T have to be ready to be done. You can just live your life and see how it unfolds. Continue stepping back to take care of yourself. Let him do his thing. Be curious. Watch without expectations.
You seem to have the same difficulty with being still in the moment that I have. Continue stepping back and taking care of yourself. It really helps.
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
Being still is definitely one of my huge flaws too.
Me 47 - W 35 M 9 - T 10 2 Daughters - 7 & 9 Discovery of EA- 8/4/14 S - 8/5/15 D mentioned - 9/11/14 R & Piecing - 3/17/15 Regard one another as more important than yourselves. - Philippians 2:3
Thx for your perspective Maybell. I agree that we have very similar challenges. I have decided that I don't want to do anything until we see marriage counselor.
M: 42 H: 43 M: 8 years S7 and D4 H has D19 and S25 from previous M Bomb: 3/6/14 OW discovered, EA & PA 1st separation, 10 days, decided to reconcile & moved back in. Fail 2nd separation: 5/1/14
it is exceptionally difficult for me to do because I always feel like I need to be moving TOWARD something...
however
nothing NEEDS to be decided right now
It took a long time for your marriage to get to the place it is at...it will take a long time to get it to a better place
please do not count every hill as a place to stop and decide to divorce or not... sometimes you need to remember to breathe.
it is a lot like organizing your house you wouldn't burn it down and move because the closet is a disaster, right? You need to take the time to find all the spots in your marriage that were neglected and cluttered...and then you have to work on cleaning them
that is what GAL is all about...you might not be done cleaning in a day or a month or 4 months...sometimes we shove a lot of stuff in our closets....
