Am I Lying to Myself About This Marriage!

[25yearsmlc]

[quote]Is this the same W you had back in 2008 when you first joined?

It is. Can't believe its been that long - where does time go.



Wow, sorry for the length of this but Hey, I read your thread, back to 2008.

I'm glad I did, b/c it makes me see your wife in a very different light. (If anyone else is interested, just read his very first post from 2008).

Here is a tiny piece of what YOU WROTE BACK THEN, 3 months AFTER you were divorced from this same woman.


Here is my situation. My wife of 6 years finally had our divorce finalized about three month ago. She filed and was right for doing it. In a nutshell..., our marriage was great for the first three years. I was happy and she was happy – we both worked hard at getting our needs met.

When we had our first child – a daughter – I freaked out. I didn’t want the responsibility of being a father. The first three months I thought I was going to lose my mind. To make a long story short, I left the house and moved in with a guy friend of mine. For the next two years I was in and out of my wife/daughter's life. In short, I neglected them and I was wrong for doing it........

About [b]six months before the divorce, she would beg and plea for me to move back in – to be a family. I was stupid, immature, and did not realized what a great family I had till it was taken away.
About two months before we got a divorce –I guess you can say I woke up. I realized that I did love my wife and daughter – that I really did what to be with my family.

My bet is that deserting your wife at the most vulnerable time in her life,
did extreme damage to your wife's feelings of safety inside the marriage, her ego as a wife & new mother, and her love for you.

*("Most vulnerable" to me, means she experienced so much right then; e.g., the labor & childbirth, newborn care, especially her first baby, massive sleep deprivation, recovering from childbirth and all that entails, hormones...I think you get the picture).

I'd like you to understand how deep those feelings of & desire for safety are for a woman.
In a large study of what spouses value most from their mates, 2 things were found for each gender.

MEN want their wives 1) to be attractive to them, (i.e. "have chemistry") AND

2) peace in the home.

Sociologists suggests that^^^ it probably means no nagging or complaining to the h when he gets home. He wants "peace" at home.

From their husbands, WOMEN most value

1) Security & 2) Fidelity.

For Security, sociologists said it likely means both financial security & physical, and both of these values are increased w/children in the picture.

Financial security from our man may seem unfair in todays' more feminist culture, but it still seems true. Women do value a man who puts food on the table & a roof over her/baby's head. Shoot, I know some women who stay married to their husbands solely because they are "good providers". In some cultures that's the norm.

"Physical security", means we like to feel protected by our man, (so the scary noise in the closet means our hubby goes to look while we back them up with the lamp...But a man who is violent with his family, will never make a wife feel secure.
And a woman who does not feel secure with her man, does not feel loving very often either...

RE; 2) Fidelity, seems to be pretty self explanatory.


I doubt she ever really trusted You again, fully, when you "reconciled". (I wish you had done Retrovaille THEN, b/c the results would likely have been SO different).

It must have been so terrifying to have her man leave her at her most vulnerable time, (i.e. right after giving birth, & coping with her first child, a newborn baby). What a combination for her to face all alone...

In the back of her mind, she may have feared it would happen all over again.

Plus she had to think of the baby's needs too. A baby needs a dad AND food & a roof over her head.

So if your wife wanted to remarry you in part for financial reasons, so what --AS LONG as you both put the work into it...

(which is THE important underlying issue, I know...)

I'm just saying as long as a couple does DO the work they need to do, I'm not totally positive how important their original reasons for trying again, are....

I've thought about this & the finances IN MY Marriage, as an issue, since my h would suffer A LOT financially if we divorced. I know that. But as long as I see conscientious love & effort on his end, I'm okay with whatever his original reasons were.

I don't want to mind read your wife too much, but my guess is she wanted the financial stability of marriage to you,
AND she hoped the M would go back to how it was when you were happier together...and she could again feel the SECURITY she so craved...

but, she never learned how to forgive you; AND
you did not change much, behaviorally.

The motivation to forgive drops a lot if you don't see change in the other partner-- that's what you said recently (or someone said TO you) but a few years ago she could have made the same comment, right?

(Sure, your appreciation for her awakened in you; you missed her...but what did you DO differently? I didn't pick up on behaviors of significance that were better than before & I have not heard what your 180s were or GAL).

Finally, we COULD all review the marital history some more, and allocate % of blame here and there, be sure to point out how "immature/selfish" You were to leave her with a baby b/c you "freaked out", (that's what a real "Cad" does), and OR we can go nuts about how bitter she is and how she mistreated you then and...

But let's STOP ALL THAT^^^^ b/c isn't your time & ours, much better spent on what to do "Now & from this day forward" ?


I'll post more later.

For now, I'd urge you to read up on Forgiveness, and the "No More Mr Nice Guy" book IF you have not already read it. AND the Five Love Languages by Chapman.
Your wife is not the only one struggling with forgiveness...but again, we'll discuss that more later...

It's crucial to have a GOOD IC for you, & to stay in the present, so no more wallowing in the past. No more hand wringing or talking about how you "ruined it", "blew it" in the PAST, and no more "If Only I had done X..."

You made mistakes, so be it. Self loathing & chronic indecisions about yourself or the situation, are not serving you well at all. They're destructive.

Time to Pick yourself up, dust yourself off and take a step forward, today. Because

All you can do today, is do/be your best today.