I do understand that you weren't trying to be insulting, Mach, truly. I apologize if my response was rude or condescending.
I have much trouble with thinking of my W as my "opponent" in the D proceedings. It's why I have tried to NOT fight over the small stuff or even the large stuff and just "let go" of the things that my W has "claimed" in all this. I was fine with the her keeping the things that were important to her as, even if the value wasn't "equal", I would have a place to live that I could call my own and make it mine without her. It also would be a familiar, safe place for both my D's, the only home they have ever known and a constant in a sea of change. For her to tell me to my face that she was fine with what we agreed to and then when it came down to actually doing it, (and after she had already claimed all that she wanted), she, once again, "changed her mind", was, in my mind, another huge betrayal.
Even after I got the first paperwork from her lawyer I thought it might just be her asking for more as, like you said, a way to "negotiate" to get something else. But after I fought it and I read her "response" full of lies and unfounded complaints about how W is having to do so much more, well I knew it wasn't just a "tactic". And I also realized that I could no longer see my W as anything but my "opponent". But, even now, to do that, I need to remind myself just how much damage she has caused. How she has become someone new, someone who no longer cares at all about anything that I care about. I can no longer afford to see my W and feel compassion for her because that has only served to allow her to take advantage of me up to this point. Besides her actions have shown she has no compassion for me and how her actions have affected my life, nor does she even seem to appreciate it when I do.
My life won't be my own until the D is final. I really do get that there is no other outcome possible at this point. I don't have any hope that there will ever be anything close to "reconciliation". It just isn't possible as my W came to a decision on B-day that she won't ever see any other way. Besides, it was never really about me or our M. It's always been about her and how she feels about herself and her life. I really see that she is searching for what she feels is "missing" in her life more than trying to escape me. Sure, she is running from me but it's not the only thing she is running from. She is running from herself and her "old" life, I was just the biggest part of that life.
I really miss my family being together. Having my W and my D's and me all working towards a common goal, living together, being there for each other. Do I think that there's nothing ahead for me and my D's? No, of course we can still make great lives for ourselves it just isn't going to be the way I have always hoped. For now it's a lot harder due to the timing of my W's crisis but it won't always be that way.
In the end, the more you care about someone, the more they can hurt you. When someone who you haven't invested much time, love, energy in, may hurt you but not in the same way. Between the start when you think that this will "blow over", to the spewing, the acting out, the blaming, the wacky destructive behavior that follows, interspersed with times that they seem like their "old" self, it's a roller coaster ride that never seems to end. I actually think now that I would have been much better off if my W had just left at B-day and not waited as long as she did to leave. All it did was waste time and money and make things worse when she finally did go.
I agree that my W is going to be in for a really bad time when (if) her father does end up dying. I also don't see any way I can either make that better or worse for her. I don't see any way anything I may say or do will have the slightest affect on her. She has totally disassociated herself from me and only see's me as someone that is supposed to help pay for the things that our D's need. As this person who takes care of D14 half the time and is supposed to be there whenever she doesn't want to put herself out for her. She doesn't seem to have any respect for me, any appreciation for anything I may do that helps her out. Like this weekend when I offered to keep D14 until Monday so she didn't need to rush home from visiting her father out of town. I still do these things but not because of any other reason than it's the right thing to do.
Yes, I hate what she has done. I hate that she totally just gave up after so many years without even trying ( I understand she may feel that she did "try", I just don't see it). I hate that because of her doing this my life must now totally change from what I planned it to be for so very long. I hate that I have to do things that I don't want to do, give up things I don't want to give up. More than anything I hate that she has taken away my best friend in the world and the one person I trusted more than any other. At times I'm OK with it, other times I'm not. I will get through it in time I'm sure and then I'll be OK 100% of the time. I'm just not there yet.
