Your situation is SO HARD and I want to say the ONE thing that is so profound and meaningful that it changes your whole perspective and makes you feel better... but I just don't know the answer.
The question of "WHY?" in your situation is so HUGE. It just doesn't make sense and we can spend the rest of our lives trying to figure it out and I'll be frank... I don't think your H even knows. There is literally no one on this planet who can actually answer the biggest over-hanging question in your situation and THAT is overwhelmingly frustrating, I am sure.
I guess the big question now is: Does it matter?
I'm going to say No. It doesn't matter at this point WHY he left. It only matters if you want to stand. And you don't have to know now. And you can change your mind, multiple times if you feel you need to.
Those of us who can pinpoint specific reasons that lead to the failure of our marriages have the distinct advantage of working on those specific issues and that gives us hope (though no guarantee). You, however, have nothing to go on and the pain that comes with that is immeasurable. In fact, I think it would be TERRIBLY STRANGE if you didn't wonder if you should keep standing. He HAS been terrible to you in every single way. Who could blame you for not standing? For moving on and never looking back?
So I will ask you a hard question:
Why are you standing?
Any answer to that question is a good answer but it's important for you to know why. I suggest you figure out if you're standing simply because then you wouldn't be rejected because, while that's enough to keep you standing, it won't enough to keep a marriage afloat should that happen, you know?
I imagine that if H called you tonight saying "I want to come back" you'd be thrilled at first but given some time you might vacillate a little, right? You don't want the man he has turned into, right? You want loyalty, honesty, kindness and he has not exhibited these traits in a while.
So, basically you want R with certain conditions. As he is right now you don't want him back. That's what it sounds like you're deciding.
I don't think it's bad for you to move on and detach and be completely dark, mentally leave him behind. He basically has not given you any other option.
But you can give yourself options. You have THAT control. You can stand. You can drop that rope so hard it smacks him in the face. You can withdraw into a world of confusion and bitterness and wonder what went wrong and never trust another soul again (doesn't sound fun but it IS an option). You can open an ashram and preach peace and love and do yoga all day. Or you can get up tomorrow and say, "Who knows what the heck is going on with him, I know who I am, I know what I value, I know what I stand for and I do not compromise my core values".
It sounds to me he let go of an amazing gem of a woman. I wonder often (is it weird that I think about your situation so much?) whether his buddies are like, "dude, what did you do? Lisa is awesome, you two were awesome together. What has gotten into you?"
You can only control you. He can barely control himself.
Take this time, this precious gift of time and figure out why you're standing. The ugly honest truth of it. Then assess whether it's a reason that is consistent with your core values.
We'll be here either way. (((hugs)))
p.s. it's a good thing we don't give names of spouses here because I'd be THAT person sending hate mail to your husband. Frequently.
