Can you help me understand how to not verbalize and just "do" when WAW wants to cake eat and I need to be the one pushing for appointments with the mediator, etc? Even though I definitely don't want the D (but I am resigned to an S being necessary at this point) if I don't discuss what I want or push then she will delay and cake eat for as long as I let her. Or do you mean I should just end any sort of talks about what I want out of the process and limit talks to keeping the mediation process moving?
I believe you should end any more talks about what you want. Btw, you do not have to act as if you "want" a D, but just don't talk about your wishes anymore. She already knows what you want, right? It is b/c she knows what you want that causes her to feel secure in not leaving and the cake eating.
Unless you compromise and accept an open M, you don't have an option. If you do nothing, she will think you have accepted the terms of her staying with you.
To be clear, what needs to be discussed with her that has not already been covered? Just a date to meet with the mediator again? If it were me, I would find a good time to ask her if any date with the mediator is good with her. Just as if it were making an appointment with a dentist. Put on a poker face when you say it.
Other discussions about what you want in general or your plans for your life......or just GAL is off limits to her. At this point, you need to act as if you are already separated. I am not suggesting you run out and get a woman or anything like that! But in attitude and partnership you end any type of intimacy within the home with her. This is the path she chose with her actions. You do not need to be hateful or anything of that nature. Just withdraw and detach from your role as her H. Don't try to be her buddy or BFF. She doesn't want to commit to only you, so let her see how that life looks.
Are the two of you still sleeping together?
This may sound strange, since it is a marriage saving forum. However, in order to save the M, you have to save your dignity and she will have to respect you. If you lay these hard lines and then fail to deliver.....I think you may lose any chance of her respecting you. This is just my opinion.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
