Let's try this again

[T384]

So I guess with the boards being down my long post vanished. I posted in piecing awhile back and didn't get much traffic and was redirected here so I'm not really sureeeeee I for in although I'm not done DB'ing

We definitely still have a lot of things to work on and I still read this forum often although it is hard to keep up with everyone.

We have MC again this week and boy do we need it. Well I really need it. I still have the thoughts in the back of my mind of can I really forgive H. On the outside and to him it seems I have but internally I really struggle with it.

I also see both of us exhibiting old behaviors that I'm trying to change. For ex : he insists on fixing the water pipes (weeks without hot water) he wants to save the5k and have his contractor friend and him do it - great! I was all for it. But weeks have passed and nothing was done. I tried my best to DBthis. H - I know you've been so busy doing stuff around the house etc but I really want to be able to take a hot shower. It's been a few weeks and we have gotten no where. If there's something I can help with to get it moving or if it would be better to hire someone I think we should. You have a lot on your plate and I'm desperate for a hot shower (I said it while laughing)

He then reverts to his old ways and goes on about how he needs certain things to get it done and wasn't anticipating that but he will take care of it sometime this week (this has been the excuse for awhile now) then opens the door to walk out (aka avoid the conversation) and says all I do is nag. I bite back and says he hasn't changed one bit since he can't even have a normal conversation with me (not once before this was it yelling or arguing) and he said bc all I do is nag. Ugh. This is not what I want. We had a date night last night that went great but he cannot have a conversation when it's something HE doesn't want to discuss and I really don't know how to DB that. I can't just never bring up issues he doesn't like.

I feel like there's no way to go around bringing up things he doesn't want to discuss he just shuts down.

Trying my best to avoid getting myself into the situation I've been in the last 6 months. I feel like H is sorry but I don't feel like he is trying as much as he was. I've voiced concerns to him and all I get are excuses --- I'm busy your busy our work schedules are hard.

[Card29]

It's great to hear from someone who has started piecing. Keep strong and don't rush it!



How are you trying to meet his ENs? Has he read or learned anything about your ENs (and ENs in general) and how important it is that he fulfills them?

[Maybell]

T, I spent last night with friends who each have an IC and then share an MC. Their three counselors get together periodically to discuss my friend and his wife and coordinate the treatment so they make the most of their time in counseling. It seems to have done amazing things for them, I was wondering if you had tried a coordinated approach like that?

I'm sorry you are struggling so much. Hot water seems like a pretty fundamental thing. I went without it for a month in my early twenties when I lived in a very cr@ppy apartment building and the residents put together a class action suit to compel the repairs. I can't imagine how frustrating it is to deal with this problem with so little recourse.

Best to you.

[JCred]

This is not what I want. We had a date night last night that went great but he cannot have a conversation when it's something HE doesn't want to discuss and I really don't know how to DB that. I can't just never bring up issues he doesn't like.

You have forgotten what worked for you to bring him back and you stopped doing it.

Here is your answer...

Pay to get the pipes fixed without his consent.
Don't be mad about it, just get it done.
Just tell him AFTER you have set up the contractor to do the work. Tell him... "I DECIDED (use the word decided) to get the pipes fixed and a contractor is coming over on _____(fill in the date)"

You will then find that he suddenly WANTS to talk about it or argue about it.. Either way he will suddenly want to discuss it in some manner...

That is when YOU do what he always does to you on the issues he doesn't want to talk about...

You tell HIM.. "I already have them coming to fix the pipes and I really don't want to talk about it anymore. I realized that you are right about the nagging and so I decided to stop the nagging and wasn't willing to wait anymore." (firm, confident, resolved.) Then tell him you don't want to talk about it anymore... (same thing he does to you)

Here is how it should play out...

YOU make the decision without his input.....
He then will want to talk about it....... or if he still doesn't want to talk about it, the issue is solved because the pipes will be fixed.....
You then be the one who doesn't want to talk about it IF and when he does bring it up. (you can't be a nag if HE is the one to bring it up)......

When he does, then you tell him you already made the decision because he told you he doesn't want you to nag him about it and you decided that you aren't going to live without hot water. Then cut the conversation short by saying that YOU don't want to talk about it.. Don't be angry or mean.. As I have told you numerous times... Confident, firm and resolved... Remember.. YOU be the one who doesn't want to talk about it. It will only be effective when YOU take the bull by the horns and find someone else to do what he promised...

Easy, peasy, Japaneasy...
You win either way.. The pipes get fixed... You haven't nagged.. The issue of the pipes goes away..

You are AGAIN trying to rely on a man who doesn't seem to be very reliable over the long term... Stop fighting it and go with it.. Make it happen on your own. Confident, firm and resolved. No anger... Less said the better..

[JCred]

Bottom line here TO is..

" I WILL NOT be without hot water anymore."

It isn't up for negotiation. You aren't being mean..
Just tell him you aren't going to do it anymore.. So, you decided to hire it done.

I've learned over the years that when I hire a contractor or need something done at my house that if the contractor is late to the appointment to give me a quote that this is a red flag. Chances are he will be late to do the work, or not finish the work, or not follow through on most everything.. I have found to just eliminate them right off the bat... They aren't worth the "cheaper" price... I am more satisfied to pay someone more money who is on time, does what they say they will do. This has saved me a ton of headaches.. Just eliminate them if they don't show promptness and organization. It isn't worth the aggravation to save money.... Same goes for hiring friends or family just to save money.. It usually just isn't worth the aggravation...

Same goes with your husband.. Here you think you are saving money and it is causing you both tons of aggravation.. Is that worth your marriage? I say NO..

PAY someone who will get it done. Problem solved....

[T384]

Thank you both -

Maybell I haven't tried that approach but it sounds intriguing.

I have re read DB and DR with a different perspective. I really feel there is a lot I have changed but I still have so much work to do on myself. I started posting here in April 2 months after BD but I didn't really start 'getting it' until June. I can't believe it's been almost 2 months with H back in my life. We have come so far but when others said piecing was the hardest part they weren't lying!

I actually have heard of that book. I will look into it. I was thinking of asking H to take the 5LL even though I'm pretty certain he's words of affirmation and physical touch but I would like to see to make sure.

This is definitely a work and progress but we bth want the same things and both don't ever want to be where we were for those 6 months. It's not an easy road but we are trying to navigate it together.

[woundedfool]

Thanks for the new thread, I saw your other one but alas.... it was been flushed away by the purge.

I would ask about the water issue. Why is he even handling it?

If you are expecting him to handle it without prodding/nagging/etc. Why would you have created that expectation?

What is to keep you from handling it? 2 months ago you were getting cars fixed, juggling 2 jobs & knocking it out of the park as a parent.

I guess I would ask: What is the mission here? To prove he can get a "deal"? or to get hot water so you can bathe, eat, and do laundry?

[T384]

I had made arrangements for the water to be fixed and actually had it fixed in august and now another leak.

So I picked up extra at work and made arrangements to have the entire house repiped. Well H says don't pay all that money to do it I can do it with my friend (he's a GC). I attached an expectation bc I told H I don't feel comfortable with you doing it you have a lot on your plate and it's a pretty extensive job and I really want hot water back. He insisted on it. Here we are a few weeks later with no change.

I'm still juggling everything for the most part with H's help. I still work both of my jobs because this R is still a work in progress and I can't drop everything I've learned and created just because he decides he wants to work things out.

[woundedfool]

So how is "Water"-gate going?

[T384]

We have hot water!! Hallelujah!