I'm probably being a bit thick but I'm not sure I get what you mean MrBond. The bit about allowing my wife to control my actions.
Her chief complaint is that we always have to do it my way and that I'm too controlling.
Fundamentally though this all stems from the fact she has never and now knows she can't ever forgive me for the way I hurt her a couple of years ago. I would do anything to make up for it but have never known what or how. My Ws view is that I've done the opposite and made things worse.
Both mid 30s, 2 young kids BD 7sep14 XW moved on long ago, now living with OM1 D paperwork in progress
Well another day and the anger is getting wouse.she seems convinced I'm a manipulative liar and that I'm trying to push her out the house when I'm actually desperate for her to stay.
Jim! Do what 25yearsMLC said, because it's GOLD:
Quote:
She wants you to fuel her anger so she can feel justified for wanting out but now you are meeting her anger with kindness. How frustrating for her!
My H got increasingly hostile... he was always blowing up at me and it was tough to handle. I tried to respond with that "soft answer that turneth away wrath" business, although several times I lost it, too, because it was SO UNFAIR.
Fake stuff he accused me of: lying to him, our friends and family, and his co-workers with the intent of destroying all his relationships and his career. (His OW was his co-worker.) He told me how stupid I was, too, for trying to get back at him through his job, because if he lost the job he wouldn't be able to support me.
He told me I was manipulative, always trying to "control" him, enjoying my status as a "victim", loving the fact that our friends saw him as "evil" for leaving me but if they only knew the truth, they'd understand that he'd been living for years in misery. One of his favorite lines was, "Go ahead, Nitty, hide behind your so-called 'truth.'"
He'd go on these hostility benders, then calm down and be nice, and I'd think, whew! We're on the path to improvement! Then something else would set him off again. The day he initiated D proceedings he told me that I had "pushed" him to do it. That he could no longer handle all the awful stuff I did to him.
I am still in the early stages of reconciliation and I hope to talk to him in MC about these benders to see what he was thinking. But I'm 99% certain he was just trying to prove to himself that his decision to D me was justified. I think he's probably not done yet, may go off on another bender the moment he begins to doubt his plan to reconcile. I'll just have to ride it out.
So I guess I'm saying that you have nothing to lose by continuing to respond with kindness and love. She may reconsider her decision to leave and come back to you.
And if she still walks out of your life completely, you'll know you tried your best.
M:54, H:55 T:33, M:27 12/13 BD: EA 01/14 BD: PA, H leaves 03/14 H & OW break up 05/14 H says he will file for D 08/14 H initiates D 09/14 H wants to R 12/14 Still bungling our way through R
I'm going to keep trying to be positive around her its just difficult as it feels like a continuation of how we got here. She was always in a bad mood and so I tried to compensate by being really positive for the kids - I do realise now that she actually saw that as me not caring about the fact she was in a bad mood.
Both mid 30s, 2 young kids BD 7sep14 XW moved on long ago, now living with OM1 D paperwork in progress
I don't mean you should be a doormat or conflict-avoidant. I guess I'm saying that responding to hostility with kindness takes the bullets out of her guns. Not being defensive is huge, too.
If she says you're not caring when she's upset, then read up on the Validation Cheat Sheet that Wonka posted. You can practice responses that express caring. I find rehearsing answers helps like these helps me so much.
M:54, H:55 T:33, M:27 12/13 BD: EA 01/14 BD: PA, H leaves 03/14 H & OW break up 05/14 H says he will file for D 08/14 H initiates D 09/14 H wants to R 12/14 Still bungling our way through R
I've always been a bit of a conflict avoidant and yet many people describe me as argumentative - my wife has described me as attritional. I suppose I've always had the view that you shouldn't ask for my opinion if you don't actually want it.
Both mid 30s, 2 young kids BD 7sep14 XW moved on long ago, now living with OM1 D paperwork in progress
The WAW is confounded with emotions. She is a big ball of messy feelings and she doesn't understand them, either. She will continue to mostly operate from that place of emotions....good or bad, until she works through this stuff. Some days you may see her act almost "normal" then other times you will swear you have never met this person.
Somebody in this family needs to be stable and lead with a strong sense of values. She doesn't have that "sense" at the moment. She is lost. She may lose herself morally or spiritually. She may no longer have the inner strength to withstand temptation in areas that have never been a problem before now.
As the man, father and H, your family needs more than ever. (Which will prove to be a challenge where she is concerned.). You will need to draw every ounce of courage from whatever belief system you have. You will need daily refreshing from this system and all it's resources. This is a battle zone you've entered. Your W is not the enemy......even though she may seem "possessed" at times. It is as if this invisible thing consumes her. I don't know what to call it. It started back at some point with disappointment, sadness, unfullfilled expectations, resentment, depression, unrelenting stress, .......on and on. Her emotional needs have been neglected and eventually her feelings for her H begin to change. The spark has left. (Sometimes, not every time, something may happen to cause the W to feel she has missed out and wants to leave the M.) The WAW will blame the H for all of these negative issues she has, and therefore, she will become very angry. Mostly angry at him, but also just angry that she got cheated in life. Then she has a strong desire to be free of it all. She believes she has to be free of him.
It is as if she is in a very thick fog. She has lost all her ability to be reasonable or logical. Whatever emotion she feels that day....she will run with it. She is only interested in what will make her feel better at that moment. And, that is the dangerous part b/c of bad choices she makes during those times.
Since you already have a problem feeling inadequate, you will especially need to work hard to not believe some of the things she may throw at you, especially things in the past. You will be to blame in her eyes, so just be braced for it and don't fall apart when she starts getting mean with it.
You will not be able to sit down with her and have a good long talk that will work everything out. Oh, it may give temporary relief for a few hours, but the monster will return. You will not be able to rescue her from this monster. You will not be able to intentionally shake her out of her fog. Sometimes a WAW can be shaken, in time and with everything working together to bring it on, but the H rarely knows he had any part of doing it. B/c her thought process is so foreign to him, the H has no clue as to what she really feels or how she sees things. I have my first time to read where a newcomer LBH had his WAW figured out. He may do all the wrong things in an attemp to snap her out of it, but it backfires b/c he doesn't "get it".
Some advice you read on the board may sound confusing, and some may even conflict. Remember, there are other newcomers like yourself. It is a confusing time, and the way one person interprets advice may not be completely correctly passed through the treads. So whenever you don't understand, just speak up and we will try to help.
Some of us who M's were saved, have hung around to pass forward the help we received in our time of need. A few who have not saved their M's learned tons of valuable insight and good enough to stick around and help others.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Sandi I can't tell you how grateful I am that people like yourself have hung around to help people like me.
You're right I do not recognise what she has turned into in the last few weeks although feeling trapped has always had a very negative affect on her.
I suppose my biggest fear (and I know that I shouldn't let fears control me) is that in the mindset she is in she is looking for someone else even if just for fling. Going out and getting drunk seems to be what she wants and the friend she is leaning on I know (I do know this) is encouraging it. The fact I couldn't deal with this idea is what triggered the whole mess and she knows how much it would hurt me.
In working out my action plan (180s etc.) I do need to try and figure out the path by which she forgives me for some big things and what she sees as 3 yrs of being let down time and again.
Both mid 30s, 2 young kids BD 7sep14 XW moved on long ago, now living with OM1 D paperwork in progress
I empathize with your concerns. I have not been those scary shoes with my S, but definitely with my teenager. It is a real fear!
Friends with bad influence can be damaging, no doubt about it. Unfortunately, you aren't the one to try and convince her of that fact about her friend. A wayward is much like a rebellious teenager. However, you can't ground her. All you can do is set clear, firm boundaries about what you will not tolerate......and stick with it. You can only control your actions.
If she is not already involved in an EA, it may be only a matter of time. It is a common pattern that falls within the behavior she is displaying.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
