Walk away partner after 22 years . First post

[25yearsmlc]

Mr bond

That's my problem I can't think why she checked out .

Then I guess it's hopeless...b/c if you did all you could do to be a great guy and she still left you, that's that. Nothing you can do...

But I don't believe that^^ and further more, when you DO see mistakes you made

***you should also feel EMPOWERED B/C IT MEANS YOU CAN DO SOMETHING about this. ***

make sense? So let's work on YOU b/c you are all you can control anyhow.


She has told me that it was when she started her new job she made new friends and realised that there was more to life than having a family ,

to put another way, she realized her life didn't have to be so unfulfilling. What do you think was missing before? Dig Deep and be brave.

she wanted to go out partying and meeting new men and having fun and a good time .


This^^ is possibly all there is to it. But that's rarely true. If it is, then you just back off and hope her MLC ends sooner rather than later and does not cause too much damage.

But I doubt that all she wants to do is party and meet new men IF YOU WERE the way you say you were "just loved her too much" and I seriously doubt she'd leave her children solely to party with new men.

Put it this way. I have never seen a healthy woman make those choices.


Her mood/attitude changed about 6 months ago

What ELSE happened then and how did YOU react?

when she started going out drinking alcohol , something that neither of us have done for about 15 years.
She had been out before but never drank.

I think a lot of what she has said is just to hurt me

why would she be so angry at you that she intends to hurt you? Why do you say this? And how do you think you have hurt HER, that she'd intentionally want to hurt you now?

I don't know spouses who suddenly decide to hurt their partners, for no reason.



and let her leave , the amounts of times I would catch her with OM and forgive her seemed to really wind her up she would always say how could I keep forgiving her for the things she has done .
I used to say because of how much I loved and cared for her .


And NOW why do you think you kept letting her come back? You were Too dependent or fearful of being alone?

You must have boundaries that reflect self respect, and that is KEY to a woman loving a man; i.e. respecting him. I think it goes both ways, but I'm positive a lot of men confuse boundaries with controlling the other person but they are not the same.

Things like not having a joint bank account . I realise what an idiot I am but years ago I did apply but because she had a bad credit rating it as declined .

so you NEVER reapplied? And why would her credit prevent you from sharing a bank account? Did you get angry or tell her why the bank declined?

Let me get this straight, you wanted to open a checking account with your two names on it - and the bank said NO???

Sorry but that makes no sense to me. I have my minor daughters name on an account with me, (a checking account) and no one even checked her credit OR MINE b/c it's MY money that covers it, so why would HER credit matter and likewise, your wife's? I don't get it.

Plus you can't just never do a financial thing again b/c ONE time she was declined. Time passed and her credit probably did not worsen.


Not getting jobs done around the house , just damn right lazy ness . I have recently a few weeks ago replaced 2 windows that were broken over 5 years ago . I realise that I can't do everything myself and need to get a plumber in etc to do odd jobs because when I do them myself they take me forever and many trips to the DIY shop.

okay ^^these are symptomatic of problems in the marriage - and you are pointing them out with some candor.

So, you DO KNOW why she was not happy, or at least some of the reasons, don't you?

Not going out together as a couple . In the last few months we did start going out for meals and walks etc .

Don't negate a statement with the next clause (= "not doing couple things...last few months we did start..." )

She thinks and I bet you agree, you did NOT do enough as a couple. Correct? Okay...let's keep working on this mystery b/c I think you are getting somewhere.

Getting angry and shouting and swearing at the simplest of things and also when something got broke or just broke blaming someone or trying to find out what happened .

This ^^^ is BIG and if I knew how, I'd make this sentence blink in RED b/c it's a big big deal.

Men who raise their voices rarely understand that it is a HUGE TURN OFF...

AND women tend to shut out the content b/c of the way the message is delivered.

All we know is someone is bullying us and yelling AT us so we don't "hear" WHAT they said; we hear their anger and nothing loving comes from that...


Road rage shouting and swearing at other motorist .

Scary and disturbing. No one wants to be married to a person who acts that way b/c it does NOT make us feel safe at all. And h's need to make w's feel safe.


This is a strange one because I've changed

You are negating again...

Do you really believe SHE would say you have changed, and that "h no longer has road rage...ever since the 6th of April..." (No,) I doubt she thinks you no longer do this.

I think she learned it from you and that is what the next sentence from you suggests...

but in recent months since W had started drinking she would be the one shouting and swearing at other motorists .

well, so what? I mean, what does that mean about anything?


What I realise is she checked out along time ago. But I'm making changes.


I'm glad you are making changes. But every single time you admit a flaw that is significant enough for MOST WOMEN to feel very unloved, you then say it's no longer happening or you are changing so there's nothing for you to do NOW...and I don't think that belief helps you at all.

I'm reading the book divorce busters but find myself tearing up all the time as I'm reading about how children are affected .

Yes it's very tragic. No argument here. So Why not focus on yourself and what YOU CAN DO to change YOU?

I have to keep explaining to my S and D that mum doesn't realise what she has done is doing.

NO you don't!

You just said you checked out of the m years ago and now you tell your kids it's all their mom's fault "but oops, she doesn't really know what she's doing"....?

You must own your part in this and leave her out of it.

Let HER explain herself and you explain YOUR ROLE and stop the blame game,

WHILE pretending not to be doing just that.


D has been having trouble at school has been very emotional and getting upset . When my W asked her why my D replied because of what had happened at home , W then replied I don't understand I thought you would have been over me leaving by know . W left about 2 weeks ago!!

Get a helmet on b/c a "2 x 4" is coming your way.

It's NOT meant to hurt you but to get you to STOP and Think...

How happy were the kids in the home while your wife was lonely & miserable

and you had "Checked out", or, honestly, do you even know?


D told me this and she was like I can't believe mum said that . So I gave her lots of hugs and we went out for what turned out to be a great evening . So hopefully she has forgotten what her mum said to her .

Start owning your role in things and telling your kids that YOU DO understand your wife's needs were not met and you are hoping to work on that.


Give her hope based on actions you are taking, not BS excuses that only serve to blame your w, while you feign martyrdom.

You have discovered enough in your own behavior that you CAN work on things and you CAN help the marriage improve.

Hopefully it's not too late. Are you using a DB coach or some sort of IC for yourself to work on things you need to work on?

Keep on keeping on and keep posting.

There IS hope.

[South74]

Thanks 25years

Thinking about getting IC through work maybe I should stop thinking and do it.

The thing about 6 months ago was she started going out more with her work colleagues and drinking and if she said I will be home by 10pm she would get home at 11pm but then blame the reason she was late on another of her work colleagues who was in a violent relationship and it was always some major drama with this other person and my W thought she couldn't leave her .
And this would happen on a regular basis , all my W would go on about was all the things that this persons husband was doing to her and how she couldn't leave her etc . I was fine with this initially but then when I suspected an A with OM I started to not believe her anymore and thought she was using the situation with her friend as cover for meeting OM .
and this is the friend who hooked up my W with OM .

even W mum has said that in the last few months all W would talk about when they were at work together was this woman and where she worked . And it hit MIL That she never spoke about me or the kids at was all gossip etc about her job.

The MIL thinks that the W was burdening herself with all these other peoples problems and that's what lead her to where she currently is at the moment .

The W works one day a week with her mum this isn't where she does her other job.

And regards the MLC she ticks all the boxes and I realise I've just got to let her do her own thing but it is so hard watching someone you love train wreck there life .

Thanks for the 2x4 I need it and really appreciate your posts it really helping me see things not through rose tinted spectacles .

[MrBond]

And while she was going out, did the two of you go out as well? Did you ever go and hang out with her friends also?

[South74]

And while she was going out, did the two of you go out as well? Did you ever go and hang out with her friends also?

She had no interest in going out with me even if I tried was always busy with her friends .

Nope was never allowed even if I did Ask . I was told several times they were her friends and not mine .

[South74]

Interesting or maybe not .
Been using Facebook to show my GAL and after 2 weeks WAW has unfriended me .
It was after I posted loads of photos of me and my daughter having a great time at an evening festival .
Not to mind read but think it may have got to her but possibly not in the way it was intended .

[South74]

Wow just hit rock bottom .
Making plans for Wednesday dropping daughter round my sisters and then taking son to cinema to watch a film and get something to eat and D mentions it your birthday dad .
And it just hit me this massive wave of emotion that it's my 40th birthday and I'd forgot .
Gonna be a tough day on Wednesday

[25yearsmlc]

Interesting or maybe not .
Been using Facebook to show my GAL

I'm not really sure that's why one ought to use FB...but I AM sure you are not to GAL to get a reaction from your w.

We GAL to help us detach (and obsess less too) and NOT to get a reaction from our spouse.

The 180s are there to counter the negatives our WASs may have used to justify leaving, but the GAL are all for US.



and after 2 weeks WAW has unfriended me .
It was after I posted loads of photos of me and my daughter having a great time at an evening festival .

If your goal was to upset or guilt your wife, I guess it worked.

What were you hoping or expecting her to do? I mean, what was your goal--if you know?

If it was to show your w that you are a good involved dad, you did not have to be quite so public about it. Your w may feel shame or anger at you

OR she may feel that "it's only NOW that I want out, that h is a good dad", and so, dig deep to figure out what your goal was.

I doubt it was to be unfriended- so figure out why your "plan" backfired. And remember that you are not really supposed to be spending your energy on getting a reaction FROM HER but on your own issues. That's where your focus is supposed to be, right?


Not to mind read but think it may have got to her but possibly not in the way it was intended .

Oh it did get to her and I'd bet not at all the way you intended. My objection is to your intention. You using your d to get to your wife isn't loving. It's just really manipulative and if your w says you are controlling, then you just proved it.

If I were you, I'd think hard on this and use it as a teaching point.

[25yearsmlc]

Wow just hit rock bottom .
Making plans for Wednesday dropping daughter round my sisters and then taking son to cinema to watch a film and get something to eat and D mentions it your birthday dad .

I know it's odd for you to have forgotten BUT maybe it's not so bad.

You avoided some of the pain that might have come by contrasting the day, with how you wish or had always assumed you would be spending your 40th...but hey, at least you weren't obsessing about it. Could be worse, AND you can always celebrate it next week/month with other loved ones.

And God bless your sweet d for remembering!!

And it just hit me this massive wave of emotion that it's my 40th birthday and I'd forgot .
Gonna be a tough day on Wednesday

Wednesday----is that the real birthday or when you see your w? Regardless, see what YOU CAN do for fun.

Create your own celebration. One for you and the kids that's FUN (don't act as if nothing fun happened that day, even if it ends up being the case) and another celebratory activity with your buddies or extended family.

when my h was "away" on our 24th anniversary, he sent some flowers with a generic "Happy 24th" card...and I was alone with my d's...Then a neighbor, the father of my d's bff, took us all out for dinner.

I was touched and embarrassed by his gesture....SO the next year, for our 25th anniversary when I knew h would be in Alaska for his big adventure...

I took my kids to Italy and had the best vacation I've ever had. I saved for it, I borrowed for it and I SPENT for it. Zero regrets. It also irked h, but I only learned that much later and it wasn't my goal.


We Proved that we, as a family- could have a blast on our own, with or without h.

I'm a military veteran and so is h. We know a lot of military families who lose a spouse/parent to deployments that last a LONG time. And we have ourselves.

((Or worse, they lose the parent/spouse to death or serious injury, and now & then to being MIA. I mean, talk about LIMBO...thank God we don't have many MIAs lately b/c that is probably the hardest thing on a family. But I digress.))


We had to learn to do it like so many other families have There really are families "missing" a parent for awhile, sometimes indefinitely, who manage to be happy. Just b/c your wife is "out" for some time, does not prevent you and or the kids from enjoying a trip or holiday OR from making a new memory.

I know, b/c we did just that. The 1st Xmas when I knew h would leave the day after, I planned a short, fairly inexpensive ski trip. It was <3 hour drive to the snow, with a hot tub, and it was for just 3 days. The planning for the trips is also very fun and the kids seemed empowered. Not "Waiting for the missing parent to return, so much as watching their remaining parent take charge and creating some happiness for themselves and their kids. It really REALLY helped my kids to feel good and safe about our lives.

3 days away, skiing in the day, with a hot tub and movies on a widescreen TV and games and pizza, makes for a wonderful holiday for your kids. It didn't break the bank. I only thought of h a few times. (Compared to Italy, when I rarely thought of him, it was a good start.)

(FYI----On my GAL list, there are tons of things that did not cost much or were free, just so you know.)

You can create FUN TIMES, and now's the time to show that to your kids AND to enjoy it yourself. Keep on keeping on, this does get better. I promise.

[MrBond]

"She had no interest in going out with me even if I tried was always busy with her friends . "

Surely it couldn't have always been like this. When did things change?

"Nope was never allowed even if I did Ask . I was told several times they were her friends and not mine ."

So you never hung out with her friends?

[25yearsmlc]

"She had no interest in going out with me even if I tried was always busy with her friends . "

Surely it couldn't have always been like this. When did things change?

"Nope was never allowed even if I did Ask . I was told several times they were her friends and not mine ."

So you never hung out with her friends?

it's very easy to confuse people on these boards. Thankfully South, your screename is more memorable than most.

I think we feel confused b/c you, South, are acting conflicted.

A lot of what you say is as if you're mystified as to what went wrong in your m. Other remarks indicate you do know what went wrong, and it's Not just one small thing. It's several things, some of which are quite important.

The more you play the "what happened TO Me?" Card, the more stuck you will be in Learned Helplessness.

Get yourself Unstuck. Only YOU can. And go from this day forward

BECAUSE UNLESS you are processing an insight and deciding to Change a behavior of yours (that you realize is a flaw/pattern of yours),

there is no reason to wallow in the past.

When yo du study a behavioral problem, choose a solution and then go and DO that..."Execute" the solution.

Otherwise just stay in the moment (which mandates you letting go of the past slights real and imagined) and take care of TODAY

Time for action, not wallowing. Make sense?

.