I've been thinking a lot about my M and what went wrong and how I could have done things differently. I see on other's threads discussions about helpful books and great ideas for better communication and I just feel left out. I didn't have these types of problems in my relationship and I'm just trying to figure out if there is anything I can do or could have done to save my M.
What could I have done differently? What went wrong?
And in thinking about this I cannot see that many big things I could have done differently. And so I wonder- why am I here trying to DB? Yes, of course I can work on myself, we always can improve. I'm very far from perfect! But it has little to do with my marriage, we got along great and had a very easy and fun relationship.
He always told me how much he loved and cherished me and was so happy with our perfect marriage. At some point a few months ago apparently he decided he didn't want to be with me or wasn't sure he did, but he didn't communicate this to me at all. And his pretty coworker began flirting with him. After a few weeks of that he started acting strange to me and when I pushed to know why, he left me and tried to start a relationship with her, and then when that didn't work, with others.
When I look at how he treated me I am enraged. I was supposed to be his best friend, his most cherished person in the world, and he treated me with no respect. He lied and abused my trust. We can say he is in a fog. But does that excuse these actions? NO!
I was with him because he was kind and honorable and caring and loyal. He was a little boring but he was a good kind person and I thought those people are hard to find. I had rarely met a guy that could truly be trusted and I thought I was so lucky to find that rarity. So even though he wasn't the smartest, richest or best looking - I held on to my gem.
Now it turns out he is not loyal, he cannot be trusted and he isn't so kind. And I wonder - was he really ever kind and loyal or was this bad person always lurking inside? Was he just with me waiting for something "better" to come along?
When I imagine him coming back to me, begging for forgiveness and asking for another chance it makes me feel good. But I truly wonder why. Is it because I cannot live without him? Or is it because I want to gain back the upper hand? That I want to know HE didn't reject ME. That I want to repair the blow to my ego. This question scares me a bit.
I know I need to focus on myself and just move on to be honest. I realize that there is really not much I can do to salvage the relationship. If anything happens it is on him. I wasn't perfect but I was pretty great, and now I am even better. If he doesn't realize that, there is not much I can do.
If you have followed my thread he continues to reach out to me in a friendly way. But at this point I don't feel friendly to him at all. I feel a lot of hate and anger and I have no idea why he thinks we can be friends after the disrespect he has shown me. I feel like any friendly feelings I have toward him are based on the past, when he WAS a good person that I trusted. And since he has shown himself to be a stupid selfish A-hole, I don't really want to be friends with that person.
Lately I have mostly kept my distance and been very cool in response to him. He has no idea where I live or what I do every day. Our lives are quite detached now after 3 months of separation. I feel like soon I will go fully dark.
I do doubt myself a bit and wonder if I am just reacting to being hurt, and if I should be more friendly and open to keep the road home easy.
What do you all think? Any advice?
Hope everyone is having a great weekend. Heavy thoughts here. Hugs, Lisa
