So I should be more positive that the GAL is being noticed? Would appreciate your thoughts on other interpretations of her statement. I really wasn't sure how to take it because it wasn't "I want to join you" or "I like that too" but more "I want to do my own thing too" (forget that my activities center around building my character or doing new things with our kids, and hers involved a bar, but I digress....)
It is difficult for me to explain some of these things in few words. Over the years of observation, I have learned that most male newcomers don't come close to what his WAW thinks or feels about any given subject. I mean, the WAS is incredibly self centered. She is ruled by her emotions and desires. She will break all rules to be in contact with her AP. She will even neglect her children.
When the LBH tries to deal with her as if she is the same woman he M, it usually doesn't get him very far. In most cases, I believe, he has to go into a different mode of opperation from what most people think of as saving the M.
When he stops being available all the time and stops pursuing, it kinds of throws her......(length of time varies from stitch to stitch). When she sees LBH getting out and enjoying life without her...instead of mourning her, she may act jealous, angry, depressed, or whatever. If she really doesn't care what he does, where he goes, or who he is with....then she is truly completely detached. But most of them can't help but to be curious about where, when, and with whom he GAL. The more mysterious the details are about his GAL, the more it pipes her interest. It can be a very effective distraction.
What she said sounded childish. She is not sure how to deal with this new side of you. It wasn't what she expected. A WAS doesn't seem to consider they are freeing up the LBS. They have put all their focus on their own freedom, so it is a new and confusing issue for her, really.
Make sure you keep your calendar full. You can plan activities for you and the kids, but you also need to take a lot of time for hourself away. If she says she is going to be gone, tell her that doesn't work for you b/c you have already schedule plans that can't be broken. When she asks what they are, you just look at her as of to say "really?".
Don't try to control her GAL. And......do some things that are just fun or relaxing. It doesn't have to be a character exercise or keeping the kids busy.
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Later tonight more crap from W about me allegedly txting OM's GF (I didn't and haven't since discovering A continued) so its clearly not paradise on the other side of the fence, but I refused to even talk about that one with her. Just told her the continued lies will hurt my ability to deal with her effectively when co-parenting our children.
I know it must be very, very upsetting for you. I am sure it would be for me, too. She will lie to get more people to think she is justified in leaving you. Why? I think maybe b/c a WAW needs to feel she has someone in her corner, so she tries to recruit her own cheering squad...and the only way it will work is by turning them against you and that require lies. The more you try to confront or counteract what she says, the more it pulls you into her circle of drama/lies. People who really know you will think whatever they want to think, and the other people ......well, it doesn't matter what they think of you, does it? All in good time, the truth has a way of coming out. A strong man will go on about his life and let her pull whoever into her sh't bath, but you refuse to get in it.
I find it interesting she said she is not ready for a S/D. But at the same time she doesn't want to give up OM. She can't have both, unless you are willing to live in an open M. IMO, if she sees you walking forward without lingering around to see if she has second thoughts, she will realize she needs to make a choice and do something about it before you divorce her!
Now bear with me while I explain. You don't verbalize any of what you plan to do or not do. You give no promises or reassurances. You let your attitude and actions be your voice. She should be concerned over your decision. This is what I try to across to LBH'S. Instead of living in fear of what she may do, it should be turned around and she should be worried about what you will do. She is the cheater here!
I know you don't want a divorce! I am not telling you to get one, okay? I am saying to not discuss what you want with her. If she asks questions you don't know how to answer, find some words that mostly say you both have a lot to think about. Make sense?
How will she consider what she stands to lose, unless she begins getting little glimpses now?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
