[gan]

Well, H came over to pick his stuff up this afternoon. Here's the lowdown (some feedback and wisdom, especially on the bold bits would be really appreciated):

The good:
- I was looking and feeling good when he arrived - decked out in my nice new Calvin Klein jeans, a t-shirt, painted red toes and perfume
- I did my usual awkward kiss on the check greeting and H put his arm around me and definitely gave a bit of a rub on my back
- H said "it was nice to see me" and thanked me for sorting through the stuff
- I did not follow him around the house…instead I went about my own business packing more of my stuff
- H threw very little stuff out and the stuff he did throw out (from his childhood) I didn't make any judgements about (180)
- After he was done loading the stuff in the car he asked if I wanted to grab dinner at the pub across the road (I had thought about extending the offer but decided I would not…and wait to see if he did)
- H agreed to keep our joint private health insurance (after I explained it would be more expensive if we both had a singles policy but that we obviously won't be able to keep co-mingling our things forever if that's the way this goes)
- The text message from my Dad came up. I said I had nothing to do with it but that it is true, they are sad by H's absence. He said right now it was too hard to talk about things but in time he would reach out to them (interesting)
- Despite the obvious difficulties in holding a conversation (see below), H suggested that we get together in a couple of weeks. No firm plans but he said he'll send a text. (That's the first time he has suggested getting together without a practical reason in mind)
- H asked about the apartment I am moving into (hmmm…is that a bit of curiosity showing through? Wonder if I hooked him with the "you can see a bit of the Opera House from the balcony" comment ;-) )
- Before he left, H came round the table and gave me a rub on the shoulder as a departing gesture
- D word never came up


The bad:
- The R did come up (it's the elephant in the room so when the conversation stalls [see below] its almost inevitable that it comes up…usually by him…but since it was soooo general I decided I would ask some questions)
- H reiterated that it makes him sad to see me (same as last time) and that he finds it tough to talk to me (see below)
- I asked what he meant the last time when he said separation was a good thing - he clarified that what he meant was that he was unhappy in the R. I took the bait and asked "so you are happy now?" He said "at least I have the opportunity to be happy"
- I ended up asking "where are we at right now"? He said IF we were to get involved again the R would have to be very different. Right now he doesn't see how that can happen.
- I said I understood some of my role in the problems to which he responded "it's not you……(wait for it)…….it was the relationship" (like he doesn't appreciate that the R is manufactured by the two of us and is what we make it). Any thoughts on how to deal with that attitude? I stopped myself from going off on a rant (but was thinking, kinda calmly actually: these are all the things that I know I did wrong, have you even thought about your contribution…?)
- I still have difficulty trying to project that I'm moving on - but honestly I'm not sure that that is the best approach with my H. So I still let him know that I care and that I miss him. I also said more generally that I miss having a man in my life
- At one point I reached out and touched his arm as a consoling gesture…he pulled away and so I said sorry, it's hard to see him look so sad. I also dropped a couple of "hons" and then apologized (old habits die hard) but he said it was ok
- He left before I finished my meal (typical pattern - him leaving me at restaurants when things get too emotionally tough for him…that's got to change)
- H has bought a plane ticket to the US to go to his sister's wedding in late December. On the negative side it seems he's not expecting us to be together by then (and I'm really sorry to be missing the wedding). On the positive side, he's planning on coming back to Australia (one of my fears is that he'll move back to the US…and it will get really difficult to reconcile).

The ugly:
- H seems stuck in the same place - sad, stressed about work (I conveyed my sympathies), doing the same old (surfing, ultimate frisbee). It does't sound like his life is that different. He's not looking or sounding like someone who has an OW. Thoughts from those in the thick of it? Also doesn't seem like he is seeing an IC.
- We cannot hold a conversation. Sure I could banter on about this or that but if I don't feed the conversation then it stalls. This is the thing that concerns me most. If we can't feel comfortable talking again then I can't see how we can have a R again. Anyone else experience this…or have any suggestions here?
- It is painful watching my H try to communicate. On the positive side, in the past I probably would have interrupted and not given him much of a chance. I definitely sat back and waited for him to tell me what was on his mind (180) but it was painful to watch. I still need to work on the way I ask questions (need to be softer in my approach)

So I feel ok about things. I would say that the M is not dead, but H doesn't see the possibility of returning to it right now. Now my biggest challenge is to not fall into a funk like the last time we met up. I think I'll be ok as I'm moving into my new place at the end of the week and am looking forward to starting a new life there. Better book another appt with the IC as well.