Keep in mind this was from a week ago, so it precedes the posts from page #1 of this thread.
Dinner
Dinner was very nice. We talked, laughed, joked. It was overall fun. I can tell that she is very stressed out and she asked if it would be OK if she takes a week off to visit a friend (3000 miles away). She said that she just needs to get away from everything before she starts her new job. She said she wants to get away from me, from the kids, and even [OM].
She will be staying with a male friend (they're not close by any means). This male friend went through a D about 10 years ago after he found his W cheating on him.
My W said that she recognizes that her two friends and cousin (all of which whom she revealed the situation to) would be biased towards her. She wants to get a more neutral opinion on the situation from someone who is not a close friend, and she wants to get it from a man's perspective.
After dinner, we went back home. She said she is upset about something and needs to talk. It turns out that she looked through my phone that night and saw some text messages from me to the OMW. The text messages read:
"My W told me that she called you yesterday. She thinks that most of what you told me may have been simply 'wishful thinking'. I was very vulnerable this week due to the two major days and I somewhat regret we had our conversations. I truly hope that things work out for you, but I realize now that our conversations, while helpful in some ways, can also be counter-productive in other ways. It gives us both false hope, and goes against the one thing that we must focus on -- and that is ourselves. Hang in there. I know God has a plan for you to be happy, even if it is unclear right now."
My W was upset that I felt the need to tell her about the "wishful thinking" part. She also reiterated to me, that while she recognizes that the OMW was the one who reached out to me, that I did not need to engage her the way I did. She said she would have respected me a lot more if I had simply told her that she had contacted me, and told her that I wanted to engage her, before actually doing so.
The bottom line is that she doesn't feel safe around me and is afraid to tell me anything, because she doesn't trust that I can keep things between us (and especially not shared with the OMW). She said she is tired of the 'behind the back'.
I then tried to open up to her about why I can't fully trust her in this situation. I told her that I am very aware of how smart she is, and how she is such a careful planner, calculating all of her moves, and being 2 or 3 moves ahead of me at all times. It's scary. And because of the situation we're in, I'm scared of what is in store for our future.
I pointed out to her one thing she said to me which frightened me. After the 1st time I contacted the OMW, my W said to me, "We had her under control until you set her off".
I told her that I was thinking, if you're insinuating that you're controlling her, how do I know you're not controlling me? How do I know your words and actions are genuine, and not just a ploy to keep me calm while you systematically break our family apart?
I said, "I want nothing more than to open myself to you and trust you, but how can I while you're in an A, and have plans to destroy my family (and theirs)?"
She was absolutely speechless. She walked away, and said to me (on her way out), "After 19 years, that's what you think of me. Cold and calculated."
My texted her shortly after she left the house.
Me: [i]"That's what I get for trying to be open and honest about my feelings. Thanks for making me feel comfortable sharing my vulnerable side with you. SMH"
W: "I am overly disappointed you would think that I am a calculated person when it comes to treating people. This is our fundamental problem. You never trusted the way I perceive people. You would rather think the worst of me, like my dealings with your parents. It brought back bad images. Nothing good will come out of us continuing to talk tonight. I don't want to ruin tomorrow. Let's talk when I am cooled off."
It's clear that even though she's in an A, that all she wants from me is honesty and loyalty. And that's all I want to give back to her. But how can I be loyal to someone who is not being loyal to me? I'm so confused.
M: 15 years BD: 6/25/14 EA/PA: starts 5/14/14 11/30/14 - A ends 5/15/15 - D is finalized. 11/28/15 - Start of new LTR with a wonderful woman (and still going strong)!
