Am I Lying to Myself About This Marriage!

[25yearsmlc]

Can you give me an example of how you would enforces a boundary?

The main boundary is that if OM is in her life, I am out. The only way to enforce that will be to move out of the house and file for divorce.

When my wife told me back in the spring that she wanted to save our marriage, I told her that a boundary for me was OM and that he had to go. I obviously never enforced that.

Ultimately, I had two conditions in my mind that I felt had to be meant if this marriage had any hope.

1.) she had to admit what she did was wrong


I admit this strikes me as punitive and unhelpful, but allow me to say why, please.

Since most women justify their affairs (b/c they're rarely "meaningless, or just for sex" which SOME men can probably say)....why would she have to think it's wrong?

What if she felt it was justified but then you became the man you were meant to become and she took you back b/c of the changes you made?


2.) she had to remove OM completely out of her life

This^^ makes sense. I agree,although I'm not sure how fast one can do it or what it means to say "completely" if they work together or some other odd situation exists. But in principle, yes I am with you on this. And transparency too.

She never did either of these and I see how I tolerated this rather than sticking to my guns and getting a divorce.


Would that really be better than trying to save the marriage? How so? What would be better in your life if you were divorced now? And for your kids?

Btw, how long has W gone without being intimate with you?

It's been at least 2 years. While she asks me to give her a masssage almost every night, there is no cuddling, no kissing, no true affection. I feel like a child starving for food.

To this day you two have not been intimate for 2 years AND she still sees the OM?
I'm confused.

Today was rough. My wife got upset this morning because we ran out of groceries/food yesterday. She told me this morning that I was lazy, good for nothing and that she always has to do things if they are to get done. This was really upsetting as I felt that I've really been there for her since she asked to make this week. This week I've had to work late several days but the days I am home I almost always do the cooking, cleaning, etc. She was complaining that she has a lot to do already and was trying to come up with a grocery list. She asked if I can transfer some money to her so she could go buy groceries (I hate not having the same account but she told me that I will only screw her if that ever happened).
so you WOULD like to have joint accounts but SHE REFUSES to? Why not just point that out?

OR was she asking you for money and you refused, or what?


I told her since she was that busy I can go ahead and get the groceries myself. She had a fit and told me that I am being controlling and that I don't want to support the family since I am not giving her any money for groceries. I would have gladly given her some $$$ but I didn't ever get a chance to clarify, etc. She ran out of the house super upset and hasn't been home since.

Does this^^ happen often? Where do you think she goes?

I know she is going to give me the silent treatment and probably not even allow me to sleep on the same bed as that is what she normally does when she is upset - so what boundary/enforcement can I do here to let her know that is not acceptable?

How do YOU act when she returns? Don't be a dog with your tail between your legs. I'd have a BLAST while she's gone, GAL with the kid or friends and regret that she missed the fun - but make NO apologies for anything other than what you do feel you did wrong...or if you hurt her, etc.

You are responsible for your own happiness -so stop making it her job.

IOW, go have FUN and act as if you think she wanted to take a walk or get some air or whatever - b/c frankly you do NOT know what upset her, or do you? I mean, really? What matters is what YOU want to do and how you go about doing it.



I am really upset and sort of depress with her she acted today. I felt like blowing up but I held my tongue and didn't really say much to her. All it would take would be for me to find out that she ran to OM today for comfort and I would be out the door so fast. Grrhh. Okay, just venting here.

You guys need new TOOLS for better communications and commitment. Have you looked into going to Retrovaille? You really must. (In case you don't know, it's a retreat for marriages in crisis and it has a good success rate. The "Team" couples are there to help guide you and they have been thru a lot of crap themselves, which is inspiring really. We got a lot out of it.)


I cannot imagine a DB couple piecing successfully without going to Retrovaille, unless they got a really great MC or something else that gave them the new tools.

Otherwise you're going to be back here in awhile...what has really changed? And if nothing huge has changed, then it's "insanity" to assume you'll have different results, right?

And how will it change if you both don't get some new ways of coping and handling things?