Walk away partner after 22 years . First post

[25yearsmlc]

Mr bond

That's my problem I can't think why she checked out .

Then I guess it's hopeless...b/c if you did all you could do to be a great guy and she still left you, that's that. Nothing you can do...

But I don't believe that^^ and further more, when you DO see mistakes you made

***you should also feel EMPOWERED B/C IT MEANS YOU CAN DO SOMETHING about this. ***

make sense? So let's work on YOU b/c you are all you can control anyhow.


She has told me that it was when she started her new job she made new friends and realised that there was more to life than having a family ,

to put another way, she realized her life didn't have to be so unfulfilling. What do you think was missing before? Dig Deep and be brave.

she wanted to go out partying and meeting new men and having fun and a good time .


This^^ is possibly all there is to it. But that's rarely true. If it is, then you just back off and hope her MLC ends sooner rather than later and does not cause too much damage.

But I doubt that all she wants to do is party and meet new men IF YOU WERE the way you say you were "just loved her too much" and I seriously doubt she'd leave her children solely to party with new men.

Put it this way. I have never seen a healthy woman make those choices.


Her mood/attitude changed about 6 months ago

What ELSE happened then and how did YOU react?

when she started going out drinking alcohol , something that neither of us have done for about 15 years.
She had been out before but never drank.

I think a lot of what she has said is just to hurt me

why would she be so angry at you that she intends to hurt you? Why do you say this? And how do you think you have hurt HER, that she'd intentionally want to hurt you now?

I don't know spouses who suddenly decide to hurt their partners, for no reason.



and let her leave , the amounts of times I would catch her with OM and forgive her seemed to really wind her up she would always say how could I keep forgiving her for the things she has done .
I used to say because of how much I loved and cared for her .


And NOW why do you think you kept letting her come back? You were Too dependent or fearful of being alone?

You must have boundaries that reflect self respect, and that is KEY to a woman loving a man; i.e. respecting him. I think it goes both ways, but I'm positive a lot of men confuse boundaries with controlling the other person but they are not the same.

Things like not having a joint bank account . I realise what an idiot I am but years ago I did apply but because she had a bad credit rating it as declined .

so you NEVER reapplied? And why would her credit prevent you from sharing a bank account? Did you get angry or tell her why the bank declined?

Let me get this straight, you wanted to open a checking account with your two names on it - and the bank said NO???

Sorry but that makes no sense to me. I have my minor daughters name on an account with me, (a checking account) and no one even checked her credit OR MINE b/c it's MY money that covers it, so why would HER credit matter and likewise, your wife's? I don't get it.

Plus you can't just never do a financial thing again b/c ONE time she was declined. Time passed and her credit probably did not worsen.


Not getting jobs done around the house , just damn right lazy ness . I have recently a few weeks ago replaced 2 windows that were broken over 5 years ago . I realise that I can't do everything myself and need to get a plumber in etc to do odd jobs because when I do them myself they take me forever and many trips to the DIY shop.

okay ^^these are symptomatic of problems in the marriage - and you are pointing them out with some candor.

So, you DO KNOW why she was not happy, or at least some of the reasons, don't you?

Not going out together as a couple . In the last few months we did start going out for meals and walks etc .

Don't negate a statement with the next clause (= "not doing couple things...last few months we did start..." )

She thinks and I bet you agree, you did NOT do enough as a couple. Correct? Okay...let's keep working on this mystery b/c I think you are getting somewhere.

Getting angry and shouting and swearing at the simplest of things and also when something got broke or just broke blaming someone or trying to find out what happened .

This ^^^ is BIG and if I knew how, I'd make this sentence blink in RED b/c it's a big big deal.

Men who raise their voices rarely understand that it is a HUGE TURN OFF...

AND women tend to shut out the content b/c of the way the message is delivered.

All we know is someone is bullying us and yelling AT us so we don't "hear" WHAT they said; we hear their anger and nothing loving comes from that...


Road rage shouting and swearing at other motorist .

Scary and disturbing. No one wants to be married to a person who acts that way b/c it does NOT make us feel safe at all. And h's need to make w's feel safe.


This is a strange one because I've changed

You are negating again...

Do you really believe SHE would say you have changed, and that "h no longer has road rage...ever since the 6th of April..." (No,) I doubt she thinks you no longer do this.

I think she learned it from you and that is what the next sentence from you suggests...

but in recent months since W had started drinking she would be the one shouting and swearing at other motorists .

well, so what? I mean, what does that mean about anything?


What I realise is she checked out along time ago. But I'm making changes.


I'm glad you are making changes. But every single time you admit a flaw that is significant enough for MOST WOMEN to feel very unloved, you then say it's no longer happening or you are changing so there's nothing for you to do NOW...and I don't think that belief helps you at all.

I'm reading the book divorce busters but find myself tearing up all the time as I'm reading about how children are affected .

Yes it's very tragic. No argument here. So Why not focus on yourself and what YOU CAN DO to change YOU?

I have to keep explaining to my S and D that mum doesn't realise what she has done is doing.

NO you don't!

You just said you checked out of the m years ago and now you tell your kids it's all their mom's fault "but oops, she doesn't really know what she's doing"....?

You must own your part in this and leave her out of it.

Let HER explain herself and you explain YOUR ROLE and stop the blame game,

WHILE pretending not to be doing just that.


D has been having trouble at school has been very emotional and getting upset . When my W asked her why my D replied because of what had happened at home , W then replied I don't understand I thought you would have been over me leaving by know . W left about 2 weeks ago!!

Get a helmet on b/c a "2 x 4" is coming your way.

It's NOT meant to hurt you but to get you to STOP and Think...

How happy were the kids in the home while your wife was lonely & miserable

and you had "Checked out", or, honestly, do you even know?


D told me this and she was like I can't believe mum said that . So I gave her lots of hugs and we went out for what turned out to be a great evening . So hopefully she has forgotten what her mum said to her .

Start owning your role in things and telling your kids that YOU DO understand your wife's needs were not met and you are hoping to work on that.


Give her hope based on actions you are taking, not BS excuses that only serve to blame your w, while you feign martyrdom.

You have discovered enough in your own behavior that you CAN work on things and you CAN help the marriage improve.

Hopefully it's not too late. Are you using a DB coach or some sort of IC for yourself to work on things you need to work on?

Keep on keeping on and keep posting.

There IS hope.