1 step forward, 1000 steps back - part 7

[mdu]

Visited Dad today. He was literally so drugged up he was practically catatonic. Sux. I stayed for nearly 2 hours and he barely opened his eyes the whole time. I was able to feed him though, he always eats, lol!

Leaving the hospital I started to get annoyed with H. I felt like on top of everything he has abandoned me during this horrible time with my Dad. I came home grumpy. H had the kids and took them longer than I expected which made me grumpier. I really wanted to unleash on him when he finally got to the house. But I am happy to say I didn't. H could tell I was upset. He hung around for a bit and played with the kids while I gathered myself. He eventually asked me about my Dad and we chatted about things a bit. He continued to hang around for a while, it was kind of like a 'normal' Saturday afternoon. When he left he gave me a long hug.

I'm so glad I held back and did not go off on him. He is trying. Yes, in a lot of ways he abandoned me, certainly during the A, and in some ways I feel it even now while we're separated. But obviously I'm just going to push him away if I keep attacking him.

I'm coming to realize that for some reason I have this horrible habit of blaming everything on H. I mean it's certainly not his fault that Dad is so ill. And he's doing the best he can to support me given the circumstance. Why do I need to make myself feel even WORSE by ruminating about H and how much the A and separation suck??

I'm so glad I pulled myself together this time and did not let things spiral. One thing that definitely helped is my mission to get the house organized. Basically I'm following a plan I found in a book where you tackle various neglected chores around the house each day. So I laid down, cried and ruminated a bit and then, since I'm so obsessed with all these chores to organize the house, I got up and started organizing the pantry. It really got my mind off of things and got me mentally into such a better space. Gosh I love these simple tricks to get that PMA going!

Phew, this post ended up being longer than I expected. I always want to document when I have a little success so I can refer back and see what works!