Do I walk away from WAW? (1)

[sandi2]

Welcome to the board. I am going to just jump in here and try to catch up as I go. I am not one of the majority population in this board community. I am a former wayward wife. The advice or thought I share come from my personal experiences and what I have observed. Just wanted to let you know that upfront. Nobody is much harder on a WAW in an A than another woman who has been there.

This is where I need BD advice. On the one hand, I am focusing on what I need to do to provide for the kids and myself without her help (I couldnt even rely on her to pick up cereal and juice boxes yesterday), and I feel like I'm making positive strides towards that. I can do it without her. On the other, I feel like she really needs to address whatever it is that is wrong with her, in order to be my partner in parenting, much less my partner in marriage. It feels like any statements I make to her about this are pursuing and pressuring, and also will probably only elicit a negative reaction from her.

You will often read within posts here that you cannot control what she does or thinks. You may influence to some degree, but you won't control your wayward wife. And, she is very wayward! That alone, sets your stitch apart from someone who has the usual struggles in M. A wayward woman has a different mindset from the girl you fell in love with and M. Never underestimate what she might do that totally opposes everything you believe to be right & fair.

One mistake many H's make is believing that trying to turn around and become the H she wanted years ago will fix everything. But for her, things have changed now, and her feelings for you have dried up. It will not be an easy journey for you. You are presently in a different slot of time and her lifestyle has changed. She has told you basically she no longer wants you to be her H. In my VP, many of your outward actions should give her a message that she got what she wanted. I saw what you said about her thinking you were accepting things. Why are you afraid of that for her to think that? Do you believe that throwing a fit or crying over it when she comes around will cause her to stay? Just the opposite is true.

Let me explain. I suggest you take a different approach to certain things you may have always seen to be your job as her H. For example, since you can't rely upon her to get needed items for the kids, then don't. You carry on as if she is not going to be there at all. You get cereal or whatever the kids need. You do it without contacting her to discuss it or ask her anything. In fact, you don't contact.....period. You cook supper for you and the kids, and if she happens to be there....fine, and if she's not....fine. You plan activities just for you and the kids. Don't depend on her to do anything she once did as a mom. Act as if you are a single parent. In many ways, you are. Go on as if you will be just fine, even though you may be feeling your heart breaking. (More about that later.)

Do not think of her as your "partner" at this time. It may help you in detaching emotionally. Do not focus on her lack of parenting or anything else, b/c if you do, it will lead to great frustration and pain. In the past, you would try to tell her what she needed to do (for health or whatever). Now, at this time, don't offer suggestions or advice. If she is truly sick in bed, it is perfectly fine to take her food, meds, etc. (To be clear here, you are not to act mad or cold towards her anytime.). This will be a temporary (hopefully) period of time and not intended to be permantely. I realize I am going fast here, and will try to break it down later. For now, just giving some highlights to give you the picture.

Everyone does not agree with my POV on this approach, and you certainly don't have to do it. I believe a WAW will cake eat just as long as the LBH is willing to serve it. She will get part of her needs met by OM, part through her job and friends, and part from you. Whenever she decides she wants family time, or something you use to do for her......she will expect you to do it. That is cake eating. Many, many H's are fooled into thinking these are signs of baby steps. But that's not true. Other things need to happen before the baby steps come along.

So things to need to drastically change for her. The sooner she experiences life without you always being around or available, the better. Again, I remind you that you are not to show a cold or angry attitude to her. She can do whatever she's. Ig enough to do.....and doesn't haven't to check with you first......even if you think she should. However, same goes the other way.

It is a hard line to be a great guy that a woman would love to have as her H.......and at the same time, doing some of these things I've suggested. But we can discuss it more later. Follow those 37 rules and it will keep you on track. So far, it sounds as if you're doing great.