Wife having emotional affair part 2

[3kids]

Thank you Mrbond, Sandi, and 25years. Yes thank you dbud I know your heart was is the right place.

I was very anger at that moment it hurt very very much. But I looked at my kids and they where fine no bruises and no marks. Yes probably hurt on the inside. But I know that I did not inflict that hurt on to them. But I can be the one to be there for them.

Anger is my enemy! Just like them meeting him, I can not control them. Just like this him driving my son to a school function. If it was ok with my twelve year old boy(almost 13). Then it should be ok with me. He was with his mom and it's her job to protect them when they spend time with her. Even though she is deep in the fog. I don't think she would let anything happen to our kids. If they came home to my house with one scratch. Then I can do something.

It's just tuff to deal with. Just have to think of OM as a fantasy like my db coach told me. Any women that tells her 9 year old daughter that she always doesn't come first. Is not in her right mind. I'll just give my kids extra hugs and hold them tighter tonight.

Thanks as always! Needed you all today thank you!

[sandi2]

Yes, I got she was living in your other house, but I thought you were paying the bills b/c of what you said in another post. So anyway, thanks for clearing that up.

I know it is hard not to react out of emotions. I struggle with it myself. When I get really mad, i just need to get off to myself to let off steam. The last thing I should do is open my mouth b/c I start spewing. There is no telling what I might say if I were in your shoes! That is why I suggested you focus on cooling off before anything else.

You see, just like when you read about the love languages, you immediately wanted to try it out with your wayward W, b/c you were excited about learning something that you felt would help your stitch. But when you found out about the OM with your kids, everything changed, understandably. In your next post you were saying you wete problably done. My point yesterday and now....is to wait until you really think through something new or different, whether it seems positive or not. Knee jerk reactions get us into trouble.

Never underestimate a wayward woman! Just b/c you give her the moon don't expect anything in return. She may be nice to you....but it doesn't mean she will give up anything.....or anyone.

I am really sorry you are going through this pain. I try to imagine how horrible it must be for you, but I know I can't even come close.

[25yearsmlc]

You probably need to start a new thread asap...

3kids, when you talked about having your w live in the "Old house", sandi specifically asked you what your boundaries would be, vis a vis OM. And at least one other person asked as well....but my guess is you did NOT SAY a word about OM or the expectations you had.

So I guess your w did not mind read well, did she? And b/c of that, I'm not really sure how justified your anger is.

Sure, I know it's tacky for her to do, and I do understand you being upset.

But it's not as if she "lied" or broke her word to you about OM.

She simply went along in her needy neurotic way, and still has not seen a doctor about her anxiety attacks. I'm not shocked that she had OM stay with her when he came in from Alaska.

(Did you think they'd go to a hotel? How would you really have felt about that?)

You say you have a problem with your temper (and you SAY you have taken care of your drinking problem...), but the thing is, you sort of give yourself a pass on those "problems," b/c you accept them as part of the tapestry of who you are.

But you see your wife's problems as big flaws that MUST be repaired or something horrible will happen. (Of course I agree some of her problems are not compatible with a happy marriage, but neither are yours.)

You say you are working on the drinking/temper problems, and I believe you.

But when does your wife get to work on HER issues, and not be judged for it?
So far, b/c of other priorities, she has not been able to get assistance.

She needs professional help, and until she gets it, I'm not sure how accountable we all can expect her to be.

Sandi probably has a very different take on this. Truly, I think it's healthy for you to see different viewpoints, as long as they are still in alignment with DB principles. (And I think they are.)

We are all on the same team, trying to help you navigate this.


Just food for thought, I Hope.

Thank you Mrbond, Sandi, and 25years. Yes thank you dbud I know your heart was is the right place.

I was very anger at that moment it hurt very very much. But I looked at my kids and they where fine no bruises and no marks. Yes probably hurt on the inside. But I know that I did not inflict that hurt on to them. But I can be the one to be there for them.

Anger is my enemy!

Then you KNOW one thing for sure...Do NOT ACT on your anger. You will regret it. And it is still a challenge for you, isn't it? (That's okay to admit. I'm just reminding you that your wife has her challenges too).


Just like them meeting him, I can not control them. Just like this him driving my son to a school function. If it was ok with my twelve year old boy(almost 13). Then it should be ok with me. He was with his mom and it's her job to protect them when they spend time with her. Even though she is deep in the fog. I don't think she would let anything happen to our kids.

she'd have to be very different than she has been in the past, to
1) choose someone who isn't kind to her kids, (which would be very odd but clarifying b/c IF he were mean to the kids, it would more than likely spell the end of that A...) AND

2) OM would
have to be a real bonehead to do anything remotely unkind to them, at this point. It's in HIS interests to be Mr Cool Nice Guy/Hero at this point.
I'd be very surprised if he were anything but cool, for the near future.

If they came home to my house with one scratch. Then I can do something.
It's just tuff to deal with. Just have to think of OM as a fantasy like my db coach told me.

In a way, I believe the sooner the Om and WAW can have enough time together that is not in the fantasy land of "every Other weekend", the sooner the shine will wear off. It's not easy to be the LBS during this time, but I do believe it ends things sooner. OR "reveals" things sooner.

So Regardless of how it turns out, most of us want the limbo to end sooner rather than later. And that means time with the OP, to get to the end of their R. If they are "truly meant for each other", we'll all know sooner.

But I doubt that is the case, (very much doubt it).
and so it'll take time together for us to know THAT, too....Make sense?

Any women that tells her 9 year old daughter that she always doesn't come first. Is not in her right mind.

I didn't catch ^^ this. I thought you said your w "did not take it lightly" when your child asked if they could "ever come first"...but what is more telling is that your w felt that she, your w, had not been coming first in anyone's life.

What do you think of that? There might be an important clue in that comment...


OR she might just be getting really selfish. IF SO, It's my hope that it won't last b/c if she's been a good mom in the past, I can't believe she'd completely and permanently change that part of her. Especially with her own childhood memories of motherhood...


I'll just give my kids extra hugs and hold them tighter tonight.

Thanks as always! Needed you all today thank you!

BEING the better choice, is always part of "the answer" in these situations.

Remember that it's not your job to "teach your w a lesson", or "Show her the consequences" of her choices. As my DB coach said, "Life does that for them."

And it does. But that doesn't mean you are a "doormat" b/c you are not shoving her face into the consequences...there IS someone in between.

My point here is that the comments your kids make to her, DO MATTER. She hears them. Seeds are planted.

I know from seeing my h pay a price, even now, years after we had the separation and then pieced, that he is still paying. I feel sad for him, b/c he's trying hard to compensate for things he probably does not remember doing or missing.

But he IS paying and he paid a lot back then too, in that he missed so much of the kids childhoods....(my mistake was in Not bringing our children along with me, on the reconciliation road. I assumed they would be on board if I were going to forgive. But they did not witness the growth and breakthroughs and pain in h, that I saw at Retrovaille).

BTW IF the time comes that you two try to reconcile, I'd think you're nuts if you do Not also get some NEW TOOLS for your restored improved marriage. Retrovaille is a great place for that, along with her getting help for her own issues and you getting help for yours.

I'd just reiterate that I have not seen any WAS walk away "scot free" from their families. They pay a price we will never have to face, as LBS's...(& I thank God I won't have to.)